grey magic.

I've been absent from this poor, little blog for so long. More on that later, but for now--
some things are just worth breaking blog silence for.

This may make you upset.
And that's not an apology--just a warning.

We have a problem. 


It's called pornography.

Someone just blushed.
Someone just stopped reading.
Someone rolled their eyes.
Someone just starting cursing a man (men) they know.

But I'm not even talking about them.
I'm talking about us. women. sisters. girls.
I'm talking about you.

A flip got switched in 2012 and what we hate for men to look at suddenly became acceptable for women. I heard a male, fm radio show host comment a few days ago on how completely confused he is by the whole thing. He was even a little offended that what he's gotten in trouble for, women are lining up down sidewalks in broad daylight to buy tickets for. He doesn't understand what's going on.

And neither do I.
But it's so sad.

Saying you're watching Magic Mike for the "great storyline" is just as bad as a man saying he's reading Playboy for the articles. You're reading 50 Shades of Grey because it's well-written? No. You're not.

You're watching things like Magic Mike and reading things like 50 Shades because they call out to a fleshly desire, saying, "We can help. We can meet your need." 

But you know what?
It won't help.
It won't meet your need.

It can only get worse.

Unless your need meets Jesus.


And then He helps.
He meets needs.
He removes shame.
He restores innocence.
He transforms desires.
He rescues.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

my bff Jillian

I have a feeling Jillian is going to be one of those friends.

The kind you love. And love to hate. And flat out hate on most days.

But I anticipate that in 30 days, and then 30 days after that, and 30 days after that, she'll be one of those friends that I can (after apologizing for muttering mean things about her under my breath) thank for being right. For being honest. For not giving up on me. For not letting me give up on myself.

I caved in and ordered this.

grab a copy here

It may be a total bust. Though the reviews make me seriously doubt that.

It may be hard. I'm certainly hoping so.

It may actually start to change things. I'm counting on that. 

I've been overweight since Prednisone entered the picture in first grade. Honestly, it's never bothered me or made me insecure. A curse or a blessing, I'm not really sure, but I've been very comfortable in my larger-than-average skin. 

But those days are gone. 

And I'm completely uncomfortable now. I'm insecure about why I'm not friends with certain people, why I'm not dating, why the only clothes I feel comfortable in are baggy tshirts and jeans. 

I hate that. 

The Lord's been convicting me lately that this is far more than an image issue. It's about stewardship. I'm asking God to direct my steps and give me a place to serve and people to live life with well while the thing that's most mine in the world is, honestly, a mess. How could I ask Him to trust me with anything more?

Faithful in little. Faithful in much.

With my body--His vessel. His tool to accomplish the work He's set out for me--I've been far from faithful.

That's humbling. Humiliating really. 

And on display for all to see. 

I'm trusting the Lord to heal the insecurity and banish the enemy from attacking that part of my heart. 

But the physical representation of the inward issue?...That's all mine. 

It's a problem I left untended.

It's a problem I, with the Lord's sustaining power, will kick in the rear. 

I've said things like this before. 

"I'm gonna lose 50 pounds. I'm really gonna do it." 

"I'm totally going to lose 20 pounds by summer."

"I really mean it. I'm going to lose 5 pounds." 

Dwindling, empty promises. 

Because they had everything to do with me. Nothing to do with the Lord.

Nothing to do with my Maker who meant more for me than this. 

I am never going to be sticks. And I don't want to be. It's not in my gene pool anyway. 

I want to be healthy. I want to be serving the Lord for a long time.

I want energy. I want to be equipped to do that serving.

I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to walk around without feeling guilty for not sucking in my gut.

I want to be able to wear boots without fear of someone thinking that it took a whole calf to cover my calves. 

You caught that, huh? Yes. There's a little lot of self-image in the mix. But it's backed by a desire to do better with what the Lord's given me than I've been doing. And that's never before been the case. 

Now it is required that those who have a given a trust must prove faithful.

1 Corinthians 4:2

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10

I'm telling you this because if I'm the only one who knows what I'm trying to do, I'll never do it. 

But if you know, if you ask about it, it may just really happen. 

Anyone up for the challenge of sticking this out with me? 

Anyone on the same road?

Any tips or encouragement that have worked for you?