a vision illuminated.

photo credit: Pinterest

I have had a dream; a vision; a long-term, grand-scheme, God-given passion bubbling up in me for so long.

Several, really, but for now we're just talking about one.

It's been one of those things--you know the ones. You have a great idea, but can't put it into words. You can't map out a plan or get people on board because you're just not quite sure what to tell them. You just can't paint a picture that accurately embodies everything you're feeling, everything you're wanting.

I've been carrying around that kind of abstract vision for years. I still don't know what it will really look like or how exactly to plan the thing out, but I do know I can show you. I might be able to help you understand.

To lay a little groundwork, here are a few things that have led up to this point:

Growing up going to a girls' camp where girls were almost completely free to just be little girls and love God in big ways.

Tammie Head uncovering for me, four years ago, so many truths about the Lord and His desire for me to be in His presence, truths that were still cloudy for me even after being taught so well for so long. I told her at the end of that summer Bible study that I wanted to help girls get it earlier than I did.

Finally submitting and surrendering to teach and serve kids through whatever kind of ministry the Lord laid before me. It has been abundantly more than I could have asked for or imagined.

And so what the Lord had started, I couldn't wrap words around.
Until I saw this:

Sara Bareilles, "Brave" 

I've watched it almost every day since I first saw it.
I cry, start to finish, every single time.

That's it. That is so perfectly, wonderfully, everything-I've-been-looking-for it.

I want to create an evironment where girls are free. Free to be themselves. Free to worship. Free to be girls.

I don't know how big or how small or how old or how often. But that's exactly my vision in a four minute video.

The first time I saw it, the Lord so clearly whispered, "Look what I can do." ["I" as in "Him." Only He can do it.] And as I watched, I didn't see sweet little strangers, I saw the slightly more grown up faces of girls whom I know and adore. Girls whose boundless futures I pray for often.

Elizabeth
Karis
Eva
Moriah
Jemma
Gracie
Mallory
Callie
Reese
Jordan
Story
Lydia
Maddie
Hope
Avonlea
Kennedy
Kadence

My dream and my prayer and my hope for them is that they would be always comfortable in their own skin.

That they would laugh far more than they cry.

That they would walk boldly, unafraid of judging eyes.

That they would know early that God is who He says He is.

That they would blow us away by how they can be so small, yet walk so intimately with their Father.

That even though they'll undoubtedly be hurt by this world, they would seek Him first every time.

That with all the limits the world will put on them, they wouldn't put more on themselves.

That they would dance with confidence and love for people to be listening when they sing.

That they would actually feel beautiful and believe that they are radiant little souls.

That they would know they can really, truthfully, realistically change the world.

That they would never have to wonder whether or not we are watching them in wonder. They would know we are.

That they would know that their mothers and grandmothers and teachers and friends--their sisters--are cheering wildly for them as they run. That we would slow our pace and run with them.

That they would live confidently and without fear, knowing that we are begging big things for them in prayer. That we are on our knees for them, battling evil forces out to get them.

That they would be free.

freedom in submission.

Did you cringe a little at that title? It's ok if you did. I'll admit it's a scary word.
   
Submission. 
   
Inclined or ready to submit; unresistant or humbly obedient. 
   
I often resist.
My heart rarely holds the humility it should.
I ignore and disobey and fight for my way almost daily. 
   
I'm far from submissive. Let's make that perfectly clear. 
   
I am learning, though, that submission doesn't mean subjecting myself to chains. Oh no. Quite the opposite. 
     
When I submit, I'm free. 
    
When I release control of my life, I'm liberated to live life with open hands, equally grateful for what the Lord brings and what He takes away.
   
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21 
   
When I come humbly before the Lord, I can trust that He will provide for me in His time and according to His goodness.
   
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." I Peter 5:6
   
When my desire is to be obedient, He will make the way clear to me.
    
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21
      
And there is an overwhelming and invariable joy in obedience. This I've come to know well.
   
But there are two big places in my life where obedience has been lacking...and I can't fight God on them anymore. 
   
My hands are open.
  
I want to obey.
  
I long to submit.     


   

   
I'm writing a book.
Seriously.
   
I want to write. Many of you are aware of that. Hence...a blog. It wouldn't appear that I'm necessarily being disobedient in this area. However, I'm fully cognizant of the stories God has put in my heart that I've been refusing to tell.   
   
Because of insecurity. 
Because of doubt.
Because of fear. 
   
None of which have any place in my life if I'm hidden in the Lord. And I am. Make no mistake.
   
I've resisted because it's scary, and choosing to be obedient doesn't scatter that fear. It's intimidating to walk through a bookstore and feel like my name doesn't belong on those shelves. It's discouraging to think that a story I pour my heart into may never be anything more than a manuscript--a stack of copy paper that's never read or understood or experienced. It's just as horrifying to think that people may actually read it. Autobiographical or not, my heart will be all over those pages. It's nerve-wracking.
   
But, I'll write it. And I'll trust that the God who authored salvation is the same God who was gracious to put these stories in my heart...and He'll be faithful to carry them where He wills.
    

   
I'm embracing the gifts God's given me to work with children in ministry.  
(I'm bragging on the Lord here, y'all. Not myself by any means.)
   
I've been passively saying "no" in this area for years. Long years, mind you. 
   
But I love little hearts, and it's about time I owned up to it. Life is better and faith is sweeter when you sit in a circle on the floor and listen, wide-eyed, to the stories of Christ. Seeing a little girl begin to develop a gentle, but valiant faith or a little man learn early that he has infinite strength and courage in the Lord challenges me like nothing else. 
   
No one is more receptive to the beauty of the Gospel. 
No one teaches me more about having full, joy-filled faith. 
   
I want to love and serve little hearts...however and wherever God will have me do it. 
   
_______________
   
I'm grateful for what He's placed in my hands.
  
I want to humbly please the Lord.
   
I pray that I submit to Him well.
  
"You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11


Have you experienced stepping out in obedience? How did you trust? 
Are there areas where you need to make that choice to submit?

dangit.

a few hours ago I was all ready for bed.

I'd brushed my teeth, picked out clothes for Wednesday, washed my face. **first hint** If I have energy to do all THAT...there's no way I'm going to sleep. I usually make it through brushing my tee--and I'm a goner. So I got in bed, closed me eyes....nothing. Squeezed them shut....nada. Tried putting myself to sleep by practicing my poem memorization (surely that'll work)....nope.

Dangit.

So I moved to the living room, pulled out my laptop and wonder upon wonders.....checked facebook. A sweet friend was on so we chatted for a few minutes and her heart is completely broken right now. She's hurt and hurting for other people. She knows God's near but can't feel Him right now....I so know how that feels and I'm too far away to lay on the floor with her and cry it all out.

Dangit.

There's a song that I have been loving lately. Well....honestly, I don't even know that I love it, it's just had my attention. Every time my iPod's on I play it at least 3 times. So yes. I love it like I loved those wax candy lips at Halloween when I was little. Trust me...that's sayin' somethin'. Here's the lyrics. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up. It's good people...in song form.

"You Can Have Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets

If I saw You on the street

And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me
....

Dangit.

When did I get to be so unmoved by all of who I know God to be? When did I stop thinking He was worth everything I have? Everything I am?

I've been so convicted lately by the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.

(ESV) And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life? And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

(The Message) Another day, a man stopped Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"Jesus said, "Why do you question me about what's good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what he tells you."The man asked, "What in particular?" Jesus said, "Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as you do yourself."The young man said, "I've done all that. What's left?""If you want to give it all you've got," Jesus replied, "go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me."That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crest-fallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn't bear to let go.

I love that translation: "If you want to give it all you've got..."--But then the young man walked away, his actions screaming, "I don't want to give it all I've got...I'd rather keep my stuff. My position. My "supposed" security. I don't want to be like that young ruler. I don't want to come to Jesus, asking what He wants from me, then walk away because in my mind, my stuff's worth more than Him. I don't want to do that...but I do it. I do it all the time. I want to give this thing all I've got--but I just don't. I repeatedly walk away. My prayer that I say may be "you can have me"...but my heart is saying "Lord, you can have me as long as it fits into my plan and doesn't require me to be too uncomfortable or give up too much or really need to trust You at all."

Dangit.

I want that attitude of my heart to change. I want my prayer to change--the real prayer. I've written it down. Every day for the past few weeks. "Lord, you can have me. I want Your plan. I'm going with You. I want to trust You. I'll go where You go. You can have me."

You can have me.

It's a hard thing to pray...and some days I don't mean it. And He knows that. But He knows I want to...and I'm trusting He'll honor that. It's scary. I have a plan for myself all mapped out, and I'm handing that over.....opening myself up to whatever the heck He wants. I had the perfect idea for how to get a secure, financially stable, good job. I have stuff that I love and lots of stuff that I want. I know what I want my apartment to look like. I know what I want my kids names to be. I know what I want my husband to be like. I know where I want to be a year from now...ten years from now.

Thing is...if I say "You can have me," then He gets all of that, too.

But dangit, if anyone should get it, it's God.

So it's His.

All of it.

On the days I mean it and the days I don't.
When it makes sense to people and when they think I'm crazy.
When it makes sense to me and when I think I'm crazy.
Whether I love it or I hate it.
Both when I can see it's for my good and when I think He must be out to get me.

It's His.

God, You're good. You're You...and dangit, that's reason enough to say:

You can have me.

a less than great awakening

Jonathan Edwards, regarding his wife, Sarah Pierpont:

"They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is beloved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him- that she expects after a while to be received up where he is to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind; especially after this Great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her."

When Sarah Pierpont was thirteen years old, Jonathan Edwards observed her, in awe, from a distance. He saw in her innocence, honor, character, love for that Great Being, and total submission to Him. It was not until four years later that the two were married, but Edwards had recognized something significant in her: a heart and an attitude that, in his eyes, set her apart from the rest of the world. How out of place would Sarah be were she picked up from the fields of New Haven and plopped down in the middle of the Galleria? How appalled would Jonathan Edwards be to observe the people pushing past her? Can you imagine the look of disbelief on his face? Can you see the confusion?....Not at the technology or materialism, but just...the lack of substance. The lack of anything clearly good and honorable. I think poor John would pass out then and there.....then come-to and start up the Great Re-Awakening...Lord knows we could use it.

**I feel that I should pause here to say that I love the Galleria. I am in no way bashing that magical place or the people who frequent it....I'm just wondering what's missing. Now I can continue.**

Honor.

I heard a message today titled "Wisdom Works for Relationships". The text was Proverbs 3:5-6. You can find the podcast of that message here. There were main points about honor that he really hit on:

-Relating well to God defines all your other relationships
-Demonstrating honor builds healthy relationships
-Honor is to be shown but not sought
-Honor can be shown in practical ways (ex: love languages)
-Heading wisdom's warnings protects relationships
a few of those warnings are:
-Respect the allure of immorality
-Beware of hurtful words
-Always do more than your share (never assume the relationship is 50/50...you always give more. so do it on purpose)

But I think the most important thing I heard about honor was this:

Showing true honor comes from being a person of honor.

I don't think I know many people of honor. I don't know that I am a person of honor. I do a lot of things for selfish reasons. Sometimes I respect people because I have to...not because I want to. I make rude comments. I get angry. I'm not always honorable.

Honor is so rare that when we see it, we stop and stare at it for a while. Think of the last time you heard about a Marine rescuing a friend already killed in battle....that's strange to us, unthinkable. It's weird that someone would risk their own life for someone whose life is already gone. It's not common, but it is honor...

and we could use a little more of it.

Submission.

Don't get nervous.

It's a touchy subject and one that I'm not going to tackle.

At least not today :)

I just want to share with you the new perspective on submission I recently heard:

We always think of submission in the context of marriage, when really, the reason submission between husbands and wives is such an issue is because submission should have been in place in both of their lives before then.

We should submit to the people in our lives who can speak wisdom and truth for us.

What does that look like?

That means my parents, my sister, my sisters-who-aren't-actually-my-sisters, my friends, my other-mothers...in general the people I love that love me, get to counsel me. They, in their wisdom tell me what they think I should or should not do; and because I know that God has placed them specifically in my life, I open myself up to be positively influenced by them.

I submit to the position they have in my life.

I practice submitting to my husband. (Calm down, you know it's true)

I have a physical representation of what it is to submit to my God.

Wrappin' it up.

Sarah Pierpont radiated honor and submission. It was obvious in the way she carried herself and interacted with other people. Jonathan Edwards was able to look at her and say: She will honor and submit to me because she honors and submits to other people...and ultimately to the Lord. Those things were evident in her character.

So, yeah, I think Jonathan Edwards would be more than a little frustrated with us. We rarely show honor. We don't submit...we do what we want.

We seriously need some help.