freedom in submission.

Did you cringe a little at that title? It's ok if you did. I'll admit it's a scary word.
   
Submission. 
   
Inclined or ready to submit; unresistant or humbly obedient. 
   
I often resist.
My heart rarely holds the humility it should.
I ignore and disobey and fight for my way almost daily. 
   
I'm far from submissive. Let's make that perfectly clear. 
   
I am learning, though, that submission doesn't mean subjecting myself to chains. Oh no. Quite the opposite. 
     
When I submit, I'm free. 
    
When I release control of my life, I'm liberated to live life with open hands, equally grateful for what the Lord brings and what He takes away.
   
"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21 
   
When I come humbly before the Lord, I can trust that He will provide for me in His time and according to His goodness.
   
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time." I Peter 5:6
   
When my desire is to be obedient, He will make the way clear to me.
    
"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21
      
And there is an overwhelming and invariable joy in obedience. This I've come to know well.
   
But there are two big places in my life where obedience has been lacking...and I can't fight God on them anymore. 
   
My hands are open.
  
I want to obey.
  
I long to submit.     


   

   
I'm writing a book.
Seriously.
   
I want to write. Many of you are aware of that. Hence...a blog. It wouldn't appear that I'm necessarily being disobedient in this area. However, I'm fully cognizant of the stories God has put in my heart that I've been refusing to tell.   
   
Because of insecurity. 
Because of doubt.
Because of fear. 
   
None of which have any place in my life if I'm hidden in the Lord. And I am. Make no mistake.
   
I've resisted because it's scary, and choosing to be obedient doesn't scatter that fear. It's intimidating to walk through a bookstore and feel like my name doesn't belong on those shelves. It's discouraging to think that a story I pour my heart into may never be anything more than a manuscript--a stack of copy paper that's never read or understood or experienced. It's just as horrifying to think that people may actually read it. Autobiographical or not, my heart will be all over those pages. It's nerve-wracking.
   
But, I'll write it. And I'll trust that the God who authored salvation is the same God who was gracious to put these stories in my heart...and He'll be faithful to carry them where He wills.
    

   
I'm embracing the gifts God's given me to work with children in ministry.  
(I'm bragging on the Lord here, y'all. Not myself by any means.)
   
I've been passively saying "no" in this area for years. Long years, mind you. 
   
But I love little hearts, and it's about time I owned up to it. Life is better and faith is sweeter when you sit in a circle on the floor and listen, wide-eyed, to the stories of Christ. Seeing a little girl begin to develop a gentle, but valiant faith or a little man learn early that he has infinite strength and courage in the Lord challenges me like nothing else. 
   
No one is more receptive to the beauty of the Gospel. 
No one teaches me more about having full, joy-filled faith. 
   
I want to love and serve little hearts...however and wherever God will have me do it. 
   
_______________
   
I'm grateful for what He's placed in my hands.
  
I want to humbly please the Lord.
   
I pray that I submit to Him well.
  
"You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11


Have you experienced stepping out in obedience? How did you trust? 
Are there areas where you need to make that choice to submit?

dangit.

a few hours ago I was all ready for bed.

I'd brushed my teeth, picked out clothes for Wednesday, washed my face. **first hint** If I have energy to do all THAT...there's no way I'm going to sleep. I usually make it through brushing my tee--and I'm a goner. So I got in bed, closed me eyes....nothing. Squeezed them shut....nada. Tried putting myself to sleep by practicing my poem memorization (surely that'll work)....nope.

Dangit.

So I moved to the living room, pulled out my laptop and wonder upon wonders.....checked facebook. A sweet friend was on so we chatted for a few minutes and her heart is completely broken right now. She's hurt and hurting for other people. She knows God's near but can't feel Him right now....I so know how that feels and I'm too far away to lay on the floor with her and cry it all out.

Dangit.

There's a song that I have been loving lately. Well....honestly, I don't even know that I love it, it's just had my attention. Every time my iPod's on I play it at least 3 times. So yes. I love it like I loved those wax candy lips at Halloween when I was little. Trust me...that's sayin' somethin'. Here's the lyrics. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up. It's good people...in song form.

"You Can Have Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets

If I saw You on the street

And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me
....

Dangit.

When did I get to be so unmoved by all of who I know God to be? When did I stop thinking He was worth everything I have? Everything I am?

I've been so convicted lately by the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.

(ESV) And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life? And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

(The Message) Another day, a man stopped Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"Jesus said, "Why do you question me about what's good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what he tells you."The man asked, "What in particular?" Jesus said, "Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as you do yourself."The young man said, "I've done all that. What's left?""If you want to give it all you've got," Jesus replied, "go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me."That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crest-fallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn't bear to let go.

I love that translation: "If you want to give it all you've got..."--But then the young man walked away, his actions screaming, "I don't want to give it all I've got...I'd rather keep my stuff. My position. My "supposed" security. I don't want to be like that young ruler. I don't want to come to Jesus, asking what He wants from me, then walk away because in my mind, my stuff's worth more than Him. I don't want to do that...but I do it. I do it all the time. I want to give this thing all I've got--but I just don't. I repeatedly walk away. My prayer that I say may be "you can have me"...but my heart is saying "Lord, you can have me as long as it fits into my plan and doesn't require me to be too uncomfortable or give up too much or really need to trust You at all."

Dangit.

I want that attitude of my heart to change. I want my prayer to change--the real prayer. I've written it down. Every day for the past few weeks. "Lord, you can have me. I want Your plan. I'm going with You. I want to trust You. I'll go where You go. You can have me."

You can have me.

It's a hard thing to pray...and some days I don't mean it. And He knows that. But He knows I want to...and I'm trusting He'll honor that. It's scary. I have a plan for myself all mapped out, and I'm handing that over.....opening myself up to whatever the heck He wants. I had the perfect idea for how to get a secure, financially stable, good job. I have stuff that I love and lots of stuff that I want. I know what I want my apartment to look like. I know what I want my kids names to be. I know what I want my husband to be like. I know where I want to be a year from now...ten years from now.

Thing is...if I say "You can have me," then He gets all of that, too.

But dangit, if anyone should get it, it's God.

So it's His.

All of it.

On the days I mean it and the days I don't.
When it makes sense to people and when they think I'm crazy.
When it makes sense to me and when I think I'm crazy.
Whether I love it or I hate it.
Both when I can see it's for my good and when I think He must be out to get me.

It's His.

God, You're good. You're You...and dangit, that's reason enough to say:

You can have me.