a little low: 2013 in review

A year ago, I wrote a little post about a little word:

low

I remember being worried that I would forget about it. It was a whole new kind of resolution for me--one word from the Lord that would impact everything. Resolutions are typically forgotten, though, and I feared I'd lose sight of it altogether. 

With twelve months to my credit, I did not forget. 

I didn't always make the best choices to support that one little word, but I didn't forget it. 

I got irritated when I should have been grateful.

I judged when I should have trusted.

I spoke my mind when I should have listened. 

I splurged when I should have saved.

I rushed when I should have waited.

And every time, I heard the whisper: "Low." 

There were high points and good moments and right choices through the year, but I think my favorite part of 2013 was not that I perfectly achieved the goals I set...

I didn't forget what God had spoken. 

He held me just as accountable to it in November as He did in February. I think that's a resolution gone right. 

This year was hard. In a lot of ways, it felt low. This year was good, but if I could only use one word to describe it (sure it was an opportunity or growing or fruitful or stretching or rewarding), more than anything it was hard. 

I planned large events for the first time.

I made big apologies that were waiting to be made.

I moved in with new roommates and moved out two months later. 

I said a lot of goodbyes. 

I struggled with healing and processing. 

I prayed, brokenhearted, for friends who were helplessly hurt. 

I felt like a grown up. Like a surprised, unprepared, unsuspecting kid disguised as a grown up. 

Reflecting now, I wonder if maybe the Lord gave me "low" to prepare me rather than challenge me. Regardless of how He gave it...it was the very word I needed. 

He's good that way. 

He's good in a lot of ways, really. 

I made some sweet new friends in 2013 and, even if it gets a little confusing when we have the same name (grin), it's been good. 

I went on a road trip to Arkansas with my daddy to meet the one person alive who is most like his mother. It was so good for me.

One of my most favorite friends got married and it was so good to celebrate with her.

I went on my first vacation in years with my parents. We had a blast. It did so much good.

I went on my first date ever. Y'all. It was good. 

We can't forget the time I met the Backstreet Boys. That was good. wink 

I laughed. A lot. That's always good. 

At the end of it all, I realize that it's not God's gifts to me that make me love Him or even by those gifts that I know He loves me; but those gifts tell me He thinks of me. That, I love. 

My hope is that, as your 2013 comes to a close, you can know in spite of --maybe even because of-- your low days, there is a Father who thinks much of you and often. 

How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

How vast is the sum of them! 

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand--

when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139:17-18, NIV

it's still the new year: low

photo credit: marthastewart.com

I like to do laundry. Mmhmm...weird. Yes. That's been established. When times are busy, as they have been, I end up with mountains of clothes that eat my room. When I finally get around to washing, I blow through those piles as fast as I can. But when I have my way, I do it once a week. It's not just laundry. It's reliving the seven days behind and letting go so I'm ready for the seven days ahead. It's not just washing clothes, it's a cleansing of sorts. The water starts running. Bubbles form. I throw the clothes in, shut the door, Jesus and I talk during the spin cycle. Every little, insignificant thing I held onto for seven days...down the drain.

New Year's Eve and New Year's Day are some of my absolute favorite days. Don't read too much into that. I know there's nothing inherently spiritual about December 31 or January 1. My reasons for loving New Year's are much like my reasons for loving laundry. I love to process. I like sitting in pajamas, curled up with a puppy in my lap, thinking back on the good days, best days, hard days, and miserable days of the year behind. In the very next moment, I have no glimmer of an idea what is coming. It's cozy and adventurous. It's comfortable and risky.

It's safe; and yet, it's not safe at all.

Last year, the verse the Lord kept taking me to was Isaiah 61:3b

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of His splendor.

Believe me. When I say He took me to it, I mean He would not let me leave it. It was in my new favorite songs. It was the theme verse of our church kiddos' summer week of choir musical. It was in books I read. It was the loudest whisper I heard from Him. It was the tune that lulled me into rest for a whole year. 

Inspired by Katie's One Little Word post, this year I asked God for a word. Just one little word. 

He answered. The word is tiny. The word is packed. The word is...

low.

I want to lower my spending. 

Being a "grown up" has a reputation for being no fun. For anyone. I have a problem with that. I like to have fun. I don't like to be stressed. Lower spending, extravagant giving, and a little bit of margin will, in my opinion, make things a lot more fun. I might even stop hating "bills" day. 

I want to go to sleep when the sun gets low. 

I have nothing against being a grandma--no problem with it whatsoever. I want to live days well. I want to live days with a lot of energy and full attention. Plus, I really like sleep. So I'll go to bed early. Two birds. One little, low stone. 

I want to see a lower number on the scale.

When is this not part of the list? Honestly. But Memorial Park is around the corner. And the gym is literally right down the stairs from work. And I have no excuses. And I'm ready.

I want to lower my voice. 

I'm a quiet personal in general, and I haven't gotten any louder, audibly. I can feel, though, that my personality has gotten louder than I like. I've been pushing to be heard. I've been straining to be favored. I've been speaking my mind before I'm certain it's actually...well, my mind. Lower my voice, Lord, the heard and the unheard.

I want to lower my view of self.

There is no more uncomfortable moment than when someone brags about how humble you are. For one, that's an oxymoron to oblivion. No humble person wants to be bragged about. But it's most uncomfortable when you know it's just not true. Pride has so many dangerous forms: insecurity, demanding attention, jealousy, belittling. None of them are good. All of them are hurtful. Healing needs to come. 

"God sets Himself against the proud and haughty,

but gives grace [continually] to the lowly

(those who are humble enough to receive it)." 

James 4:6 (AMP) 

Please, Father. Give me grace.

"But with the humble (those who are lowly,

who have been pruned or chiseled by trial [...])

are skillful and godly wisdom and soundness."

Proverbs 11:2 (AMP)

Yes, Jesus. Bring wisdom and soundness.

"He gives His undeserved favor to the low,

the humble, and the afflicted."

Proverbs 3:34 (AMP)

You are generous. I am undeserving.

"For God sets Himself against the proud

(the insolent, the overbearing, the disdainful, the presumptuous, the boastful)--

[and He opposes, frustrates, and defeats them],

but gives grace (favor, blessing) to the humble.

Therefore humble yourselves [demote, lower yourselves in your own estimation]

under the mighty hand of God, 

that in due time He may exalt you."

1 Peter 5:5-6

I want to be made low. 

Happy New Year's to you and yours. Happier laundering. 

Any new resolutions, goals, or "one little words" to share? I'd love to hear them!