my bff Jillian

I have a feeling Jillian is going to be one of those friends.

The kind you love. And love to hate. And flat out hate on most days.

But I anticipate that in 30 days, and then 30 days after that, and 30 days after that, she'll be one of those friends that I can (after apologizing for muttering mean things about her under my breath) thank for being right. For being honest. For not giving up on me. For not letting me give up on myself.

I caved in and ordered this.

grab a copy here

It may be a total bust. Though the reviews make me seriously doubt that.

It may be hard. I'm certainly hoping so.

It may actually start to change things. I'm counting on that. 

I've been overweight since Prednisone entered the picture in first grade. Honestly, it's never bothered me or made me insecure. A curse or a blessing, I'm not really sure, but I've been very comfortable in my larger-than-average skin. 

But those days are gone. 

And I'm completely uncomfortable now. I'm insecure about why I'm not friends with certain people, why I'm not dating, why the only clothes I feel comfortable in are baggy tshirts and jeans. 

I hate that. 

The Lord's been convicting me lately that this is far more than an image issue. It's about stewardship. I'm asking God to direct my steps and give me a place to serve and people to live life with well while the thing that's most mine in the world is, honestly, a mess. How could I ask Him to trust me with anything more?

Faithful in little. Faithful in much.

With my body--His vessel. His tool to accomplish the work He's set out for me--I've been far from faithful.

That's humbling. Humiliating really. 

And on display for all to see. 

I'm trusting the Lord to heal the insecurity and banish the enemy from attacking that part of my heart. 

But the physical representation of the inward issue?...That's all mine. 

It's a problem I left untended.

It's a problem I, with the Lord's sustaining power, will kick in the rear. 

I've said things like this before. 

"I'm gonna lose 50 pounds. I'm really gonna do it." 

"I'm totally going to lose 20 pounds by summer."

"I really mean it. I'm going to lose 5 pounds." 

Dwindling, empty promises. 

Because they had everything to do with me. Nothing to do with the Lord.

Nothing to do with my Maker who meant more for me than this. 

I am never going to be sticks. And I don't want to be. It's not in my gene pool anyway. 

I want to be healthy. I want to be serving the Lord for a long time.

I want energy. I want to be equipped to do that serving.

I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to walk around without feeling guilty for not sucking in my gut.

I want to be able to wear boots without fear of someone thinking that it took a whole calf to cover my calves. 

You caught that, huh? Yes. There's a little lot of self-image in the mix. But it's backed by a desire to do better with what the Lord's given me than I've been doing. And that's never before been the case. 

Now it is required that those who have a given a trust must prove faithful.

1 Corinthians 4:2

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10

I'm telling you this because if I'm the only one who knows what I'm trying to do, I'll never do it. 

But if you know, if you ask about it, it may just really happen. 

Anyone up for the challenge of sticking this out with me? 

Anyone on the same road?

Any tips or encouragement that have worked for you?

Blog Challenge. Day Seven.: Would you take a word picture?

Today is a picture of a person or place that has impacted your life.

But I don't have a picture of her.
So I'll paint her for you.

She had the shortest, poofiest, blondest old lady hair you'd ever seen.
She smiled so big that you could never see her eyes.
She was a public school teacher (granted our po-dunk jr. high was more like private school) but would pull me into her room between classes and pray for me when I was having a bad day.
When we read Jabberwocky, she had a giant costume head she would stick on the end of a yardstick and run around the room waving it in the air.
She had the sweetest, most gentle voice. But could raise it to deafening decibels when necessary.
She told us she'd missed class because she'd been diagnosed with leukemia like she'd been at a hair appointment.
When she passed away a year later, she was most upset that we would hurt for her....when she wouldn't be hurting at all.
She called us her babies, and at her funeral...her husband hugged us each so tightly that we knew he felt the same way.

She was magical.
She told me I could write. She was the very first one.
She was the kind of crazy-beautiful English teacher I long to be.

Can you see her? Oh, I hope you can.
She was beautiful.

a less than great awakening

Jonathan Edwards, regarding his wife, Sarah Pierpont:

"They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is beloved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him- that she expects after a while to be received up where he is to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind; especially after this Great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her."

When Sarah Pierpont was thirteen years old, Jonathan Edwards observed her, in awe, from a distance. He saw in her innocence, honor, character, love for that Great Being, and total submission to Him. It was not until four years later that the two were married, but Edwards had recognized something significant in her: a heart and an attitude that, in his eyes, set her apart from the rest of the world. How out of place would Sarah be were she picked up from the fields of New Haven and plopped down in the middle of the Galleria? How appalled would Jonathan Edwards be to observe the people pushing past her? Can you imagine the look of disbelief on his face? Can you see the confusion?....Not at the technology or materialism, but just...the lack of substance. The lack of anything clearly good and honorable. I think poor John would pass out then and there.....then come-to and start up the Great Re-Awakening...Lord knows we could use it.

**I feel that I should pause here to say that I love the Galleria. I am in no way bashing that magical place or the people who frequent it....I'm just wondering what's missing. Now I can continue.**

Honor.

I heard a message today titled "Wisdom Works for Relationships". The text was Proverbs 3:5-6. You can find the podcast of that message here. There were main points about honor that he really hit on:

-Relating well to God defines all your other relationships
-Demonstrating honor builds healthy relationships
-Honor is to be shown but not sought
-Honor can be shown in practical ways (ex: love languages)
-Heading wisdom's warnings protects relationships
a few of those warnings are:
-Respect the allure of immorality
-Beware of hurtful words
-Always do more than your share (never assume the relationship is 50/50...you always give more. so do it on purpose)

But I think the most important thing I heard about honor was this:

Showing true honor comes from being a person of honor.

I don't think I know many people of honor. I don't know that I am a person of honor. I do a lot of things for selfish reasons. Sometimes I respect people because I have to...not because I want to. I make rude comments. I get angry. I'm not always honorable.

Honor is so rare that when we see it, we stop and stare at it for a while. Think of the last time you heard about a Marine rescuing a friend already killed in battle....that's strange to us, unthinkable. It's weird that someone would risk their own life for someone whose life is already gone. It's not common, but it is honor...

and we could use a little more of it.

Submission.

Don't get nervous.

It's a touchy subject and one that I'm not going to tackle.

At least not today :)

I just want to share with you the new perspective on submission I recently heard:

We always think of submission in the context of marriage, when really, the reason submission between husbands and wives is such an issue is because submission should have been in place in both of their lives before then.

We should submit to the people in our lives who can speak wisdom and truth for us.

What does that look like?

That means my parents, my sister, my sisters-who-aren't-actually-my-sisters, my friends, my other-mothers...in general the people I love that love me, get to counsel me. They, in their wisdom tell me what they think I should or should not do; and because I know that God has placed them specifically in my life, I open myself up to be positively influenced by them.

I submit to the position they have in my life.

I practice submitting to my husband. (Calm down, you know it's true)

I have a physical representation of what it is to submit to my God.

Wrappin' it up.

Sarah Pierpont radiated honor and submission. It was obvious in the way she carried herself and interacted with other people. Jonathan Edwards was able to look at her and say: She will honor and submit to me because she honors and submits to other people...and ultimately to the Lord. Those things were evident in her character.

So, yeah, I think Jonathan Edwards would be more than a little frustrated with us. We rarely show honor. We don't submit...we do what we want.

We seriously need some help.