known.

Psalm 38:9


O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you. (ESV)


All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. (NIV)


Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You. (Amplified)


Yesterday, in the middle of between-classes hustle and bustle, I sat on a bench with a new friend and she asked questions: How did you get here? How do you hear the Lord? Who is your family? They're simple questions that are rarely asked; and as I walked away from her, I felt so refreshed. Some encounters feel like a deep breath in, but this one felt like a deep breath let out. Like I got to let a little part of me out where it matters. Out where someone can hear it. Out where someone can know it. 


It was a moment of conviction for me. How often do I stop in my whirlwind of a week to learn something new about a friend, let alone a stranger? How often do I ask those questions that trigger that heart feeling--that feeling that says, "This person is safe. This person wants to know you"? Rarely, to be honest. It's a thing I plan to work on, an area I want to grow. I want to be a story collector.


As I went through the rest of my day, I kept thinking, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you for that sweet moment of feeling known." But in an instant, I felt:


I know you. Have you forgotten that?


And the reality and truth of it sat me down for a moment. Because I had forgotten. This little, heavily significant truth had slipped from my mind and heart...and the absence of it was devastating. 


The awakening was dizzying. 


Our Father knows us. He formed us. He loves us. He hears us. He guides us. He saved us. He knows us. 


What a sweet privilege that is. What a gift to be known and still loved by a God who is holy, loved by a God who is so unlike us--so infinitely above.


The past few seasons have (not actually been, but) felt empty for me. I felt left out of great things I was seeing the Lord do. I saw, what I thought were, perfect opportunities for the Lord to use gifts He gave me, but I was still left on the sideline. I watched as others served God the way I wanted to. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of redirected focus, and a lot of faith to get through those seasons. A lot of faith that my desires wouldn't be forgotten, that, when He saw fit, He'd call me into the game. 


For one thing, I realized that I wasn't on the bench. I wasn't serving Him the way I thought I should have been, but He had places for me to work out my faith in other ways--ways I never would have dreamed; and I'm grateful for that. But...


In the past week, God has placed opportunities before me that I was not expecting. At all. Opportunities that are similar to the capacities I longed to be a part of before, only better. Only more perfect for me and where I am. Our Father is good like that, is he not? 


I've found myself thinking, over and over, "How sweet that You know me, Father...that You remind me how deeply I'm known." I'm just about bursting with gratitude. It's bubbling over all over the place. There's a sweet little children's song that sings: Jesus knows me, this I love. Yes, Jesus. This I love. 


*Below is a song that's so beautiful it makes me hurt. Almost literally. 

I'm about to be real.

Can I get....just, really honest with you? I mean...can I just be real? Not cute or funny or witty. Not clever in hopes that you leave me an ego-boosting comment. Just stinkin' real? Because I need to.

So here goes....just know, I'm about to get really honest. If you don't think you can handle it, close the window now. Leave this blog and don't come back, because this is probably going to become a regular event.

Anyone still with me?

I really struggle with hearing talks from/ reading blogs of/ hearing about young women who talk endlessly about their singleness. 

That sounds so mean. Doesn't it?

Honestly, it partly is mean. But let me try to explain the other part.

I am single. I have always been single. I have no reason to believe that I will be "un-single" any time soon.

Do I love that? No.
Is that the way I would choose my life to be going? No.
Am I disappointed by it frequently? Oh yes.

But it's ok. 
I am ok.

I don't feel cheated because I don't have a boyfriend. I don't feel like God's obligated to bring me a man or take away my desire for a relationship. I get jealous. I get lonely. I pout around Valentine's as much as the next single girl...

But I am ok.

I guess my struggle comes in not understanding the need to broadcast it. (I get that I just told you, trust me....I almost didn't; but I couldn't be vague and really explain this.) So when I see/hear/read about it, I don't know....I get frustrated. But I hurt for them too. I don't understand why they need to bring attention to it. I hurt that they need to bring attention to it.

Does that make any sense? At all?

The point of all of this...I promise there is one.

I found a precious blog today. I'm not linking you to it because there were a couple of inappropriate posts...if you want to search for it, go ahead. But I won't own that. This blog, though, is a guy making short little posts of notes to his future wife. And it's darling.

So I googled to find a girl one...because of course there must be a blog of notes to a future husband...right?

Instead I found a blog called "My Husband is Annoying".

Seriously?
Sweet notes to his future mrs.
My husband is annoying.

What's going on?
That's not fair.

So what I really don't understand...is with this aching that women have to be dated and loved and married...and then there's blogs titled "My Husband is Annoying"...that's not right.

Can we agree to be women who are grateful for where we are?
Can we be grateful for our singleness? Grateful for our husbands?

Can we speak well of our men? And well of our time we spend beautifully alone with the Lord?

Did I lose you in my honesty?...I'm afraid I may have. But if you're still with me, what do think?
Are we confused together?

a love like that...

Every year, the church my parents attend holds a Spring Ladies' Banquet. This banquet has gone on for as long as I can remember. Ladies sign up to decorate tables and then women buy tickets to sit at specific tables. Whoever decorated the table hosts it, and her husband waits on the ladies that sit at that table. It's a very feminine, fun evening! Ever since I was little, I've loved to see what pretty, fun, and creative things end up on the tables!

I've never actually attended the Spring Ladies' Banquet (maybe one day I'll go!), but this year my mom hosted a table and told me the most precious story. There's an elderly woman in their church who is anxiously awaiting a lung transplant. However, her body is so small that finding lungs the right size is taking longer than expected. In the meantime, she has to remain in a low-germ-tolerance environment, and obviously could not come to the banquet. So....

Her precious husband came up to the church before the banquet started and took a picture of every table....of every different place setting....every detail and decoration. She couldn't come to the banquet, so he took the banquet to her. It may seem trivial or unimportant, but in that moment, with that action.....he couldn't have loved her more.

My heart is seriously a puddle. As impatient as I may be, I would happily wait forty years if I knew I'd have someone who would love me with a love like that...