my bff Jillian

I have a feeling Jillian is going to be one of those friends.

The kind you love. And love to hate. And flat out hate on most days.

But I anticipate that in 30 days, and then 30 days after that, and 30 days after that, she'll be one of those friends that I can (after apologizing for muttering mean things about her under my breath) thank for being right. For being honest. For not giving up on me. For not letting me give up on myself.

I caved in and ordered this.

grab a copy here

It may be a total bust. Though the reviews make me seriously doubt that.

It may be hard. I'm certainly hoping so.

It may actually start to change things. I'm counting on that. 

I've been overweight since Prednisone entered the picture in first grade. Honestly, it's never bothered me or made me insecure. A curse or a blessing, I'm not really sure, but I've been very comfortable in my larger-than-average skin. 

But those days are gone. 

And I'm completely uncomfortable now. I'm insecure about why I'm not friends with certain people, why I'm not dating, why the only clothes I feel comfortable in are baggy tshirts and jeans. 

I hate that. 

The Lord's been convicting me lately that this is far more than an image issue. It's about stewardship. I'm asking God to direct my steps and give me a place to serve and people to live life with well while the thing that's most mine in the world is, honestly, a mess. How could I ask Him to trust me with anything more?

Faithful in little. Faithful in much.

With my body--His vessel. His tool to accomplish the work He's set out for me--I've been far from faithful.

That's humbling. Humiliating really. 

And on display for all to see. 

I'm trusting the Lord to heal the insecurity and banish the enemy from attacking that part of my heart. 

But the physical representation of the inward issue?...That's all mine. 

It's a problem I left untended.

It's a problem I, with the Lord's sustaining power, will kick in the rear. 

I've said things like this before. 

"I'm gonna lose 50 pounds. I'm really gonna do it." 

"I'm totally going to lose 20 pounds by summer."

"I really mean it. I'm going to lose 5 pounds." 

Dwindling, empty promises. 

Because they had everything to do with me. Nothing to do with the Lord.

Nothing to do with my Maker who meant more for me than this. 

I am never going to be sticks. And I don't want to be. It's not in my gene pool anyway. 

I want to be healthy. I want to be serving the Lord for a long time.

I want energy. I want to be equipped to do that serving.

I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to walk around without feeling guilty for not sucking in my gut.

I want to be able to wear boots without fear of someone thinking that it took a whole calf to cover my calves. 

You caught that, huh? Yes. There's a little lot of self-image in the mix. But it's backed by a desire to do better with what the Lord's given me than I've been doing. And that's never before been the case. 

Now it is required that those who have a given a trust must prove faithful.

1 Corinthians 4:2

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10

I'm telling you this because if I'm the only one who knows what I'm trying to do, I'll never do it. 

But if you know, if you ask about it, it may just really happen. 

Anyone up for the challenge of sticking this out with me? 

Anyone on the same road?

Any tips or encouragement that have worked for you?

this girl's about to get honest.

I want to lose weight.

How much?

Well....a lot.

I've wanted to for a long time, but there were several reasons why I never really got around to it:

-I was busy. (lame excuse)

-My sweet friends always said things like, "You don't need to lose weight. You're fine just like you are. No one thinks you're overweight." (thanks for the encouragement...but you're lying!)

-My struggles with weight aren't all my fault. Growing up I had a lot of health issues and had to take a lot of Prednisone. What I had been told would make me "puffy" ended up being a much...well, bigger problem. I've justified my weight issues with the knowledge that I didn't start them. (But I can sure as heck finish them)

-I'm one of those people that, if I can't do it to perfection, I just don't do it all. I've been so scared that I would set a goal and never reach it that I just avoided it all together. (Again, lame excuse)

So now I'm going to do it. I am. It's happening, and there's several reasons for that too:

-I'm tired. ALL the time. I don't feel good. I don't have energy. I want to feel good.

-I would like to be able to buy jeans like a normal person. Cute ones. Gap ones. Express ones. Any ones really...just something other than what I've been stuck with.

-Did you know that for every 10 pounds you're overweight, your fertility percentage drops?....Yeah, I want babies. (someday.......faaaaaar from now)

-I don't want diabetes.

-I don't want heart problems.

-I don't want to die any sooner than necessary just because I didn't have the gumption to get up and change it.

-I want to look pretty...feel pretty...for my maybe/someday/one day husband. I know he'll love me so he'll think I'm beautiful. I know that no matter how I look, I'm still going to have insecurities about my body. I'm a girl...it's what we do. I can, at least, help the situation a little though.

So here's my steps.

1. water. water. water. and only water. (and sometimes coffee!)

2. eating healthier. (which will be difficult since my only chance of survival is in the form of nasty, disgusting dorm food...but I'm determined!) better food choices. smaller portions. healthier.

3. exercise. at least 4 times a week.

4. Alli. Ultimate accountability in a safe, effective supplement. (I promise...I've checked. And read....and read....and read.) Eat one thing you shouldn't....this little blue pill will make you pay; and I don't want that!

And I need your help!

Yes....you!

Every week, I'll post a blog about my progress and level of commitment for that week. If I'm not posting or if my posts reflect that I'm failing miserably, TELL ME!

And please pray for me! I've been told by a friend currently using Alli that the first three weeks can be summed up in three words:

Bloated.
Stretchy.
Pants.

This should be....fun?