Wednesday, October 27, 2010


a few hours ago I was all ready for bed.

I'd brushed my teeth, picked out clothes for Wednesday, washed my face. **first hint** If I have energy to do all THAT...there's no way I'm going to sleep. I usually make it through brushing my tee--and I'm a goner. So I got in bed, closed me eyes....nothing. Squeezed them shut....nada. Tried putting myself to sleep by practicing my poem memorization (surely that'll work)....nope.


So I moved to the living room, pulled out my laptop and wonder upon wonders.....checked facebook. A sweet friend was on so we chatted for a few minutes and her heart is completely broken right now. She's hurt and hurting for other people. She knows God's near but can't feel Him right now....I so know how that feels and I'm too far away to lay on the floor with her and cry it all out.


There's a song that I have been loving lately. Well....honestly, I don't even know that I love it, it's just had my attention. Every time my iPod's on I play it at least 3 times. So yes. I love it like I loved those wax candy lips at Halloween when I was little. Trust me...that's sayin' somethin'. Here's the lyrics. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up. It's good song form.

"You Can Have Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me

When did I get to be so unmoved by all of who I know God to be? When did I stop thinking He was worth everything I have? Everything I am?

I've been so convicted lately by the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.

(ESV) And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life? And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

(The Message) Another day, a man stopped Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"Jesus said, "Why do you question me about what's good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what he tells you."The man asked, "What in particular?" Jesus said, "Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as you do yourself."The young man said, "I've done all that. What's left?""If you want to give it all you've got," Jesus replied, "go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me."That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crest-fallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn't bear to let go.

I love that translation: "If you want to give it all you've got..."--But then the young man walked away, his actions screaming, "I don't want to give it all I've got...I'd rather keep my stuff. My position. My "supposed" security. I don't want to be like that young ruler. I don't want to come to Jesus, asking what He wants from me, then walk away because in my mind, my stuff's worth more than Him. I don't want to do that...but I do it. I do it all the time. I want to give this thing all I've got--but I just don't. I repeatedly walk away. My prayer that I say may be "you can have me"...but my heart is saying "Lord, you can have me as long as it fits into my plan and doesn't require me to be too uncomfortable or give up too much or really need to trust You at all."


I want that attitude of my heart to change. I want my prayer to change--the real prayer. I've written it down. Every day for the past few weeks. "Lord, you can have me. I want Your plan. I'm going with You. I want to trust You. I'll go where You go. You can have me."

You can have me.

It's a hard thing to pray...and some days I don't mean it. And He knows that. But He knows I want to...and I'm trusting He'll honor that. It's scary. I have a plan for myself all mapped out, and I'm handing that over.....opening myself up to whatever the heck He wants. I had the perfect idea for how to get a secure, financially stable, good job. I have stuff that I love and lots of stuff that I want. I know what I want my apartment to look like. I know what I want my kids names to be. I know what I want my husband to be like. I know where I want to be a year from now...ten years from now.

Thing is...if I say "You can have me," then He gets all of that, too.

But dangit, if anyone should get it, it's God.

So it's His.

All of it.

On the days I mean it and the days I don't.
When it makes sense to people and when they think I'm crazy.
When it makes sense to me and when I think I'm crazy.
Whether I love it or I hate it.
Both when I can see it's for my good and when I think He must be out to get me.

It's His.

God, You're good. You're You...and dangit, that's reason enough to say:

You can have me.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

bike riding, Ikea arrows, and some fun questions...

In March, I had a bike riding epiphany. I didn't know how and wanted to learn. (You can read about that here) So.....

Yesterday, with the help of my dad, sister, mom,"supportive" ;) nephews, and one brother-in-law waiting for me to fall (just kidding) I learned! Success! At 21, I learned to ride a bike. Better late than never.


I recently applied to a graduate school program and am patiently IMPATIENTLY waiting to hear what I will or will not be doing in January.
I was walking through a building today at a dedication reception with one of the girls from the office where I work. The event was semi-work related so we both had that nervous feeling where you feel like you should be doing you don't have any clue what to do. We just had to wander around aimlessly (and pose for pictures for the can look for me and Charlotte in the Faith Center dedication article!) I told her "I just want some arrows on the floor like at Ikea!"...metaphorical statement of the week!
I would really like for one of those arrows to be printed right smack on the top of an acceptance email. Lord, give me some Ikea arrows!


I've been away from you all for so long :(
I'm going to answer some questions for y'all and would love to hear your answers too!
I've missed y'all!

What's your favorite holiday and why?
Can I get a raise of hands for Christmas?! I love it! Especially when Christmas is on a Sunday...which will happen next year! I'm so excited! I remember one Christmas Sunday when I was really little that we all woke up and went to church and made Christmas pancakes for everyone...favorite Christmas ever.

Describe the best date you've ever been on?
mm...not applicable :) BUT...if I had to imagine the best date (which of course I have) would be ridiculously low-key. Dinner, where we'd catch each other up on everything. Then we'd grab coffee and go wander around a bookstore. Clearly, I'd like him to be a nerd just like me.

Which room in your house is your favorite?
Right now I live in a two-bedroom condo with five other favorite room is the bedroom I share with two of them. We all three like to shut the world out occasionally. That worked out well :)

How many kids do you want to have?
My friend Meredith and I always joke about how my dad once said I was going to have seven...7...SEVEN. I don't know about that, but I'd like a few :)

What is your favorite quote?
"God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." -Elizabeth Elliot

What is the first thing you do when you get home from work?
I lay on my bed for about five minutes. Not a nap--just a few minutes to breathe :)

Do you like cold or hot weather?
I'm honestly crazy about both. I love how my skin feels when I'm out in the hot sun...and I love when I get to wear scarves and coats and bundle up!

Do you like your middle name?
Lane--yes! It's my mom's maiden name and I used to hate it...but I love it now!

*don't forget to leave me your answers!*