my bff Jillian

I have a feeling Jillian is going to be one of those friends.

The kind you love. And love to hate. And flat out hate on most days.

But I anticipate that in 30 days, and then 30 days after that, and 30 days after that, she'll be one of those friends that I can (after apologizing for muttering mean things about her under my breath) thank for being right. For being honest. For not giving up on me. For not letting me give up on myself.

I caved in and ordered this.

grab a copy here

It may be a total bust. Though the reviews make me seriously doubt that.

It may be hard. I'm certainly hoping so.

It may actually start to change things. I'm counting on that. 

I've been overweight since Prednisone entered the picture in first grade. Honestly, it's never bothered me or made me insecure. A curse or a blessing, I'm not really sure, but I've been very comfortable in my larger-than-average skin. 

But those days are gone. 

And I'm completely uncomfortable now. I'm insecure about why I'm not friends with certain people, why I'm not dating, why the only clothes I feel comfortable in are baggy tshirts and jeans. 

I hate that. 

The Lord's been convicting me lately that this is far more than an image issue. It's about stewardship. I'm asking God to direct my steps and give me a place to serve and people to live life with well while the thing that's most mine in the world is, honestly, a mess. How could I ask Him to trust me with anything more?

Faithful in little. Faithful in much.

With my body--His vessel. His tool to accomplish the work He's set out for me--I've been far from faithful.

That's humbling. Humiliating really. 

And on display for all to see. 

I'm trusting the Lord to heal the insecurity and banish the enemy from attacking that part of my heart. 

But the physical representation of the inward issue?...That's all mine. 

It's a problem I left untended.

It's a problem I, with the Lord's sustaining power, will kick in the rear. 

I've said things like this before. 

"I'm gonna lose 50 pounds. I'm really gonna do it." 

"I'm totally going to lose 20 pounds by summer."

"I really mean it. I'm going to lose 5 pounds." 

Dwindling, empty promises. 

Because they had everything to do with me. Nothing to do with the Lord.

Nothing to do with my Maker who meant more for me than this. 

I am never going to be sticks. And I don't want to be. It's not in my gene pool anyway. 

I want to be healthy. I want to be serving the Lord for a long time.

I want energy. I want to be equipped to do that serving.

I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to walk around without feeling guilty for not sucking in my gut.

I want to be able to wear boots without fear of someone thinking that it took a whole calf to cover my calves. 

You caught that, huh? Yes. There's a little lot of self-image in the mix. But it's backed by a desire to do better with what the Lord's given me than I've been doing. And that's never before been the case. 

Now it is required that those who have a given a trust must prove faithful.

1 Corinthians 4:2

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10

I'm telling you this because if I'm the only one who knows what I'm trying to do, I'll never do it. 

But if you know, if you ask about it, it may just really happen. 

Anyone up for the challenge of sticking this out with me? 

Anyone on the same road?

Any tips or encouragement that have worked for you?

He's preparing my place...

I hate the start of a new school year. HATE. IT.

I love buying new school supplies....that's the only joy I get out of that dreaded week in August. Other than that, though, I utterly detest going back.

It has nothing to do with having to go to class or homework. I really don't mind any of that. I enjoy it actually. The problem is I always feel like I lose my place over the summer. I feel like I've forgotten (and everyone else has forgotten) where I belong.

I'm all for change and improving and all that....but I miss knowing where I go, where I fit.

*insert real issue here*

I know I'm not supposed to fit. I'm called to more than that.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2

I'm not supposed to fit in. I'm called to stand out. To be different. I shouldn't have a place I'm comfortable. I'm made for more than that. My God didn't call me to be comfortable. He called me to be consistent. It's hard to be the one that doesn't back down on what I believe. It's difficult to watch "friends" disappear because they don't like the way I don't see gray areas between serving God and serving self. It hurts when I have to walk away from the girls I've turned to for support and companionship because I won't sit around and read Cosmo with them....Let's be honest. Sometimes it's not what I want to do at all. But He called me to be more. He called me to be different.

This God that gathers my scattered pieces. This God that makes sense of me when I can't make sense of myself. This God that will come after me no matter how far I run. This God that's in this thing for keeps. This God that won't just fight for me, but equips me to fight. THIS GOD calls me to be different....and so different I shall be.

In John 14:2, Jesus tells His disciples, "There are many rooms in my Father's house. I wouldn't tell you this, unless it was true. I am going there to prepare a place for each of you." I feel like I'm out of place, like I can't find where I belong....because I don't belong. This is not my home. This is not my place. He has gone to prepare my place. So that I "may dwell in the house of the Lord...and gaze upon His beauty." (Psalm 27:4) That's my place. That's where I belong...and until that day comes....

I'm fine feeling a little out of place.