I wish I could tell you I was on some secret mission in Spain. A mission trip to Africa. Maybe a study-abroad session in Greece?
No. None of those.
I had finals. Papers due. Graduation. Advising sessions and apartment hunting since I got into Texas A&M for grad school. Christmas festivities. Moving out. Moving home.
Not as exciting, but nevertheless, they've kept me from you.
I graduated on Saturday! Complete with family lunch and a party...but by the time I went to bed that night, I had a fever and an awful cough. Two days of high fevers, lots of kleenex, an exorbitant amount of sleep, two trips to the doctor's office, and one ridiculously long wait at the pharmacy find me here, curled up on the couch watching You've Got Mail and wondering about the probability of some wonderful man "coincidentally" happening upon my email address. A girl can dream right?...but I digress ;)
On our way out of the pharmacy, there was a younger woman in front of us with her two little boys. Her hands were full and when we got out the door I heard her say, "Get on my hip, guys!" The boys quickly found their spots on either side of her and stood so close, touching their shoulders to her hips as they walked. I was reminded of a day a couple years ago when I was running an errand at the mall and had a sweet little person with me. As we left one store to navigate the crowd to another, my hands were already full so I leaned over, looked straight in those eyes and said "I can't hold your hand right now. I need to you hold on to my sweater, ok?" A smile and nod later, we were on our way. Sweet little fingers gripped the edge of my sweater as we passed by people hurrying to do their shopping, reassuring me that I hadn't lost the most important package I had with me.
Watching that woman today, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe that's how it was for the woman in Luke 8.
(The Message)
On his return, Jesus was welcomed by a crowd. They were all there expecting him. A man came up, Jairus by name. He was president of the meeting place. He fell at Jesus' feet and begged him to come to his home because his twelve-year-old daughter, his only child, was dying. Jesus went with him, making his way through the pushing, jostling crowd. In the crowd that day there was a woman who for twelve years had been afflicted with hemorrhages. She had spent every penny she had on doctors but not one had been able to help her. She slipped in from behind and touched the edge of Jesus' robe. At that very moment her hemorrhaging stopped. Jesus said, "Who touched me?" When no one stepped forward, Peter said, "But Master, we've got crowds of people on our hands. Dozens have touched you." Jesus insisted, "Someone touched me. I felt power discharging from me." When the woman realized that she couldn't remain hidden, she knelt trembling before him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at that same moment she was healed. Jesus said, "Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!"
I wonder if somehow she heard Jesus say, "Sweet daughter, I can't hold your hand right now. I need you to hold on to my robe....just that little touch, you'll be with me. Grab whatever you can reach--no matter how small."
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by God. Sometimes I can't wrap my mind...let alone my little hands around all that He is; but then I remember--I don't have to.
All I need is to reach out and grab the edge of his sweater...er...robe :) and I'll know how close He is.
I'd brushed my teeth, picked out clothes for Wednesday, washed my face. **first hint** If I have energy to do all THAT...there's no way I'm going to sleep. I usually make it through brushing my tee--and I'm a goner. So I got in bed, closed me eyes....nothing. Squeezed them shut....nada. Tried putting myself to sleep by practicing my poem memorization (surely that'll work)....nope.
Dangit.
So I moved to the living room, pulled out my laptop and wonder upon wonders.....checked facebook. A sweet friend was on so we chatted for a few minutes and her heart is completely broken right now. She's hurt and hurting for other people. She knows God's near but can't feel Him right now....I so know how that feels and I'm too far away to lay on the floor with her and cry it all out.
Dangit.
There's a song that I have been loving lately. Well....honestly, I don't even know that I love it, it's just had my attention. Every time my iPod's on I play it at least 3 times. So yes. I love it like I loved those wax candy lips at Halloween when I was little. Trust me...that's sayin' somethin'. Here's the lyrics. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up. It's good people...in song form.
"You Can Have Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets
If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me But I had to give up everything All I once held dear and all of my dreams Would I love You enough to let go? Or would my love run dry When You asked for my life?
When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me Father of love, You can have me You can have me
If You’re all You claim to be Then I’m not losing anything So I will crawl upon my knees Just to know the joy of suffering I will love You enough to let go Lord, I give you my life I give you my life
When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me Father of love, You can have me You can have me
I want to be where You are I’m running into Your arms And I will never look back So Jesus, here is my heart
When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me Father of love, You can have me You can have me
When did love become unmoving? When did love become unconsuming? Forgetting what the world has told me Father of love, You can have me My Father, my love You can have me
....
Dangit.
When did I get to be so unmoved by all of who I know God to be? When did I stop thinking He was worth everything I have? Everything I am?
I've been so convicted lately by the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.
(ESV) And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life? And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness,Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.
(The Message) Another day, a man stopped Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"Jesus said, "Why do you question me about what's good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what he tells you."The man asked, "What in particular?" Jesus said, "Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as you do yourself."The young man said, "I've done all that. What's left?""If you want to give it all you've got," Jesus replied, "go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me."That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crest-fallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn't bear to let go.
I love that translation: "If you want to give it all you've got..."--But then the young man walked away, his actions screaming, "I don't want to give it all I've got...I'd rather keep my stuff. My position. My "supposed" security. I don't want to be like that young ruler. I don't want to come to Jesus, asking what He wants from me, then walk away because in my mind, my stuff's worth more than Him. I don't want to do that...but I do it. I do it all the time. I want to give this thing all I've got--but I just don't. I repeatedly walk away. My prayer that I say may be "you can have me"...but my heart is saying "Lord, you can have me as long as it fits into my plan and doesn't require me to be too uncomfortable or give up too much or really need to trust You at all."
Dangit.
I want that attitude of my heart to change. I want my prayer to change--the real prayer. I've written it down. Every day for the past few weeks. "Lord, you can have me. I want Your plan. I'm going with You. I want to trust You. I'll go where You go. You can have me."
You can have me.
It's a hard thing to pray...and some days I don't mean it. And He knows that. But He knows I want to...and I'm trusting He'll honor that. It's scary. I have a plan for myself all mapped out, and I'm handing that over.....opening myself up to whatever the heck He wants. I had the perfect idea for how to get a secure, financially stable, good job. I have stuff that I love and lots of stuff that I want. I know what I want my apartment to look like. I know what I want my kids names to be. I know what I want my husband to be like. I know where I want to be a year from now...ten years from now.
Thing is...if I say "You can have me," then He gets all of that, too.
But dangit, if anyone should get it, it's God.
So it's His.
All of it.
On the days I mean it and the days I don't.
When it makes sense to people and when they think I'm crazy.
When it makes sense to me and when I think I'm crazy.
Whether I love it or I hate it.
Both when I can see it's for my good and when I think He must be out to get me.
In March, I had a bike riding epiphany. I didn't know how and wanted to learn. (You can read about that here) So.....
Yesterday, with the help of my dad, sister, mom, four...um..."supportive" ;) nephews, and one brother-in-law waiting for me to fall (just kidding) I learned! Success! At 21, I learned to ride a bike. Better late than never.
...
I recently applied to a graduate school program and am patiently waiting...no. IMPATIENTLY waiting to hear what I will or will not be doing in January. I was walking through a building today at a dedication reception with one of the girls from the office where I work. The event was semi-work related so we both had that nervous feeling where you feel like you should be doing something...so you don't have any clue what to do. We just had to wander around aimlessly (and pose for pictures for the Chronicle...you can look for me and Charlotte in the Faith Center dedication article!) I told her "I just want some arrows on the floor like at Ikea!"...metaphorical statement of the week! I would really like for one of those arrows to be printed right smack on the top of an acceptance email. Lord, give me some Ikea arrows!
...
I've been away from you all for so long :( I'm going to answer some questions for y'all and would love to hear your answers too! I've missed y'all!
What's your favorite holiday and why? Can I get a raise of hands for Christmas?! I love it! Especially when Christmas is on a Sunday...which will happen next year! I'm so excited! I remember one Christmas Sunday when I was really little that we all woke up and went to church and made Christmas pancakes for everyone...favorite Christmas ever.
Describe the best date you've ever been on? mm...not applicable :) BUT...if I had to imagine the best date (which of course I have)...it would be ridiculously low-key. Dinner, where we'd catch each other up on everything. Then we'd grab coffee and go wander around a bookstore. Clearly, I'd like him to be a nerd just like me.
Which room in your house is your favorite? Right now I live in a two-bedroom condo with five other girls...my favorite room is the bedroom I share with two of them. We all three like to shut the world out occasionally. That worked out well :)
How many kids do you want to have? My friend Meredith and I always joke about how my dad once said I was going to have seven...7...SEVEN. I don't know about that, but I'd like a few :)
What is your favorite quote? "God is God. Because He is God, He is worthy of my trust and obedience. I will find rest nowhere but in His holy will, a will that is unspeakably beyond my largest notions of what He is up to." -Elizabeth Elliot
What is the first thing you do when you get home from work? I lay on my bed for about five minutes. Not a nap--just a few minutes to breathe :)
Do you like cold or hot weather? I'm honestly crazy about both. I love how my skin feels when I'm out in the hot sun...and I love when I get to wear scarves and coats and bundle up!
Do you like your middle name? Lane--yes! It's my mom's maiden name and I used to hate it...but I love it now!
Frankly, it's just a good precaution. Look at the expiration date...see what you'll be doing around that time.
If I'm thinking about buying some milk, but I'm going to be out of town when it expires or not around much between now and the expiration date, I don't get the milk.
If I have a coupon or a gift certificate but I know I'm not going to have the money to spend on anything by the expiration date, I give it away.
Get the picture?...expiration dates are important.
What I really like are long-term expiration dates. For instance:
My debit card.
The expiration date on my old debit card was June 2011. When I got that card in 2008, I looked at that expiration date and knew that in June of 2011 I would have just graduated college, be looking for a job, trying to squeeze in as many "real" summer moments as possible, and, of course, getting a new debit card.
Well, I lost that card. Threw it away actually.
Oops :)
The expiration date on my new debit card is September 2013. In September of 2013:
I love everything about Scrabble. I love the colors on the board. I love the way the letters feel. I love the old boards that fold in half. I love the new boards with raised dividers and a rotating base. I love the little letter stands. I love the the little pouch you draw your letters out of. I love that it has its own dictionary. It's a words game. I'm a words girl. I love Scrabble.
But.
I hate to play Scrabble.
My letters never add up to anything. I draw lame letters....like Q or three T's. I never get to play on those snazzy little "triple word score" squares. I always lose. I hate Scrabble.
...Change of subject. (but one that will make sense, I promise)...
My sister-from-another-mister, Becky, is going to pop any day! We're all counting down the days till we get to meet her sweet little girl, Karis!
I currently live with 8...eight...EIGHT (just making sure you got that) other girls.
Let's just say we have.....quite the movie collection. No one needs to know the exact number of drawers or cd cases are full...it's really not important ;)
What is important, though, is that, collectively, we have the entire series of Friends on DVD.
No....we don't ever get anything done.
A few things you should know about me when it comes to Friends:
1. Monica gets on my last nerve.
2. I laugh way more than is probably normal.
(Seriously. I mean it's funny, so laughing is to be expected, but for some reason I just, sort of, let myself go when I watch Friends...I big laugh all through it)
3. Chandler is my favorite. Well, really, I guess Matthew Perry is my favorite.
Jonathan Edwards, regarding his wife, Sarah Pierpont:
"They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is beloved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him- that she expects after a while to be received up where he is to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind; especially after this Great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her."
When Sarah Pierpont was thirteen years old, Jonathan Edwards observed her, in awe, from a distance. He saw in her innocence, honor, character, love for that Great Being, and total submission to Him. It was not until four years later that the two were married, but Edwards had recognized something significant in her: a heart and an attitude that, in his eyes, set her apart from the rest of the world. How out of place would Sarah be were she picked up from the fields of New Haven and plopped down in the middle of the Galleria? How appalled would Jonathan Edwards be to observe the people pushing past her? Can you imagine the look of disbelief on his face? Can you see the confusion?....Not at the technology or materialism, but just...the lack of substance. The lack of anything clearly good and honorable. I think poor John would pass out then and there.....then come-to and start up the Great Re-Awakening...Lord knows we could use it.
**I feel that I should pause here to say that I love the Galleria. I am in no way bashing that magical place or the people who frequent it....I'm just wondering what's missing. Now I can continue.**
Honor.
I heard a message today titled "Wisdom Works for Relationships". The text was Proverbs 3:5-6. You can find the podcast of that message here. There were main points about honor that he really hit on:
-Relating well to God defines all your other relationships
-Demonstrating honor builds healthy relationships
-Honor is to be shown but not sought
-Honor can be shown in practical ways (ex: love languages)
-Heading wisdom's warnings protects relationships
a few of those warnings are:
-Respect the allure of immorality
-Beware of hurtful words
-Always do more than your share (never assume the relationship is 50/50...you always give more. so do it on purpose)
But I think the most important thing I heard about honor was this:
Showing true honor comes from being a person of honor.
I don't think I know many people of honor. I don't know that I am a person of honor. I do a lot of things for selfish reasons. Sometimes I respect people because I have to...not because I want to. I make rude comments. I get angry. I'm not always honorable.
Honor is so rare that when we see it, we stop and stare at it for a while. Think of the last time you heard about a Marine rescuing a friend already killed in battle....that's strange to us, unthinkable. It's weird that someone would risk their own life for someone whose life is already gone. It's not common, but it is honor...
and we could use a little more of it.
Submission.
Don't get nervous.
It's a touchy subject and one that I'm not going to tackle.
At least not today :)
I just want to share with you the new perspective on submission I recently heard:
We always think of submission in the context of marriage, when really, the reason submission between husbands and wives is such an issue is because submission should have been in place in both of their lives before then.
We should submit to the people in our lives who can speak wisdom and truth for us.
What does that look like?
That means my parents, my sister, my sisters-who-aren't-actually-my-sisters, my friends, my other-mothers...in general the people I love that love me, get to counsel me. They, in their wisdom tell me what they think I should or should not do; and because I know that God has placed them specifically in my life, I open myself up to be positively influenced by them.
I submit to the position they have in my life.
I practice submitting to my husband. (Calm down, you know it's true)
I have a physical representation of what it is to submit to my God.
Wrappin' it up.
Sarah Pierpont radiated honor and submission. It was obvious in the way she carried herself and interacted with other people. Jonathan Edwards was able to look at her and say: She will honor and submit to me because she honors and submits to other people...and ultimately to the Lord. Those things were evident in her character.
So, yeah, I think Jonathan Edwards would be more than a little frustrated with us. We rarely show honor. We don't submit...we do what we want.
Gosh I'm bad at this. I was getting so much better....and then June practically killed me.
But I'm back. No worries :)
I'm a boss. Did I ever tell you that?
And I don't mean like "Dude...she's boss"....I mean I'm actually a boss. Like I have thirty daycamp counselors that report to...well, me...and, on average, 120 kids to worry about every day. I'm a boss.
And I don't like it.
Don't get me wrong...I'm so grateful to be where I am. It's a great opportunity and I'm learning a lot. The thing is, that's kind of the problem.
Lots of learning...means lots of....blah. That's the only word for it.
I have to be confrontational...disgusting. I have to handle budgets and finances...gross. I have to be nice when parents aren't...fantastic. I can't hand off questions. I'm the one that gets handed questions...wonderful. I have to be a grown-up...sick.
It's hard stuff this grown-up business.
I have a feeling the end result is going to be good. I'll like it. I'll be happy about that.
It's just the process I'm not so keen on.
Any tips for the transition into adulthood? I could use a little help :)
I went to Target the other day...I can't remember why. There probably wasn't a reason, and seriously...do I really need one? ;)
Anywho....I walked up to the door. You know, the automatic sliding ones. This man is walking up at the same time, but instead of walking through the doors, he stops. I look at him with a bewildered look on my face, thinking "come on dude, the doors open for you." Turns out he wasn't crazy...just chivalrous...
He stopped, made a sweeping motion toward the door with his hand and said, "Here, let me get that door for you."
I laughed a little, said "thank you" and walked on in. Then from behind me I heard him say, to no one in particular...
"They make it impossible to be a gentleman anymore."
I literally stopped and looked back at him...he had moved on and wasn't even talking to me anymore, but I was so shocked and, literally, halted by what he said.
They make it impossible to be a gentleman anymore.
Really? Did society and technology and innovation take away their chances to be polite, chivalrous, and just...well, manly?
Doors open themselves.
Roadside assistance is a phone call away.
Valet's open car doors.
Movers lift heavy boxes.
The lady (or man...I can never tell) at Wal-Mart fixes my car.
So have we taken away their opportunities to serve us in those small but huge ways?
I think that, just maybe...we have.
Understand that I'm not justifying the selfish, stupid actions of guys who are flat out jerks. That's not ok....uncool....unattractive....stupid.
However.
A few months ago I heard Mrs. Beth :) talk about how just like it's the heart of every girl to be the heroine, the princess, the "it" girl in the happy ending...it's the heart of every boy and man to be the hero, to save the day, the hour...or even just the moment. So I'm wondering...
Are we stealing their chances?
Of course guys can still get creative and find a way...but here's my question:
In all of our technological progress, are we pushing away the possibility of an uprising of strong, Godly, servant-hearted men?
My mind and heart have been reeling about this for days...so, your thoughts-
I turn 21 on Tuesday!!! And since I'll be having a wonderful time with my sister on our visit with our fabulous Aunt Laurie, along with other family birthday festivities...I figured I ought to do this post early.
Thinking about birthdays and growing up and a new age has had me reflecting a lot on all that God's brought be through and blessed me with in my life...21 of which, I'll share with you ;)
1. He brought me through years of sinus infections, steroids, and surgeries to be functionally healthy and ultimately...alive!
2. He spoke to me through a talking donut.
It's cheesy, but I was little...and thus began my journey with Him...we've moved on from the donut :)
3. I somehow survived that awkward time in elementary school where all the kids hated me because I always won the spelling bees. It was a very traumatic time for me...LOTS of tears and prayer!
4. He pursued endlessly a real relationship with me...all the way to Friona (the middle of nowhere), where I was all alone and finally found a friend and Father in Him.
5. He introduced me to freedom through being held hostage. He proved Himself faithful on every promise He'd ever made me and showed me the importance of other people's opportunity to put their faith in Him.
6. He taught me to trust Him by not giving me my scholarship. Then gave it to me anyway...just because He can.
7. He blessed me with the perfect roommate my freshman year.
8. He gave me Tuesday night Bible study with my sweet sister.
9. Nieces and nephews...'nough said :)
10. He gave me parents I can talk to about anything.
11. He gave me a Daddy who doesn't complicate my view of God as my Father, but rather enhances it and makes it that much easier to trust and love Him.
12. He's put stories in my heart that I can't get down on paper fast enough...I cannot wait to communicate the reality of His love through fiction!
13. He's taught me how to let go of some people to make room for others.
14. He's made me fall in love with Africa without even going...who knows what He'll do when I'm actually there!?
15. He's built my resume for me...dropping opportunity after opportunity right in my lap
16. He led me to the worst internship ever....but taught me more about church ministry and serving youth than I ever would have learned anywhere else.
17. He's put people in my life that speak truth.
18. He's made things difficult, but worth working for
19. He's pushed me
20. He's pursued me
21. He's never left me alone
That's just a short list! These 21 years have been a whirlwind with Him, and I don't expect the next 21 to be any easier or calmer...and I wouldn't want them to be! I can't wait to see what these next years will bring. Do what You want, Lord. Shake things up! I'll hold on for the ride...
I was talking today with a friend of mine that's a freshman. She was telling me about how much she's grown and...well, grown up in the past year. She added that that was probably ridiculous and sounded stupid, but I assured her that it didn't. It was absolutely true. Granted she's going to do a lot more changing before she dons that cap and gown, but freshman year is probably where the biggest...or at least most shocking change happens.
My pastor's been preaching through Genesis since last fall, and one of the things that has stuck out the most to me in this series was something he said about the story of Noah. When Noah and his family boarded the ark, God shut the door behind them. One question we were urged to ask ourselves was this:
Do I trust God enough to be okay when He closes a door?
That question stuck with me...and stuck with me....and is sticking with me. It's been my prayer since then that God would make me okay with closed doors. It hasn't been easy, but He's done it.
I was certain I was going to seminary in January...He closed that door.
I was sure I was going to apply for and be a part of my school's REC team for the summer...but He closed that door.
I've been holding on for dear life to people and situations...and He's closed those doors.
And in every situation, it's been okay. I've been okay. Now, believe me, there are other doors He's closed in this process that I've not been so okay with; but 3 out of 5...or 7....or 10...isn't bad :) it's improvement!
So I was talking to this sweet girl today and explaining some of the changes I've experienced through my time in college, telling her how all of those changes, hard as they may have been were worth it. Sure, I had to let some things go. I had to say goodbye to some people, but at the end of it, I'm a better me...and I'd much rather accept the changes than be stuck with who I was...
Her poor face, she looked horrified. Her eyes got big and she shook her head and said "Oh Hannah, I can't do that!" I quickly assured her that my changes aren't going to be her changes...we're different people...but I also assured her that whatever changes she does experience, we serve a God that's gracious enough to prepare us for them...a God so great that, when we ask Him....
Last night, I opened my mouth and said exactly what I needed to say.
And people actually listened.
I would have preferred for there to have been less chin-quivering on my part, but all in all, it was a good first attempt.
In other news, this is why my Daddy couldn't fly to Togo on Monday....and why his mission group of 25 people in Malawi can't come home. Please pray that these 25 people, along with the thousands of others stuck wherever they are, can get home to their jobs and families soon. As my pastor said on Sunday, when has anything in Iceland ever affected the whole world?!
It rained Sunday...and it was wonderful. I sat in my room with all the lights off, blinds open, curled up with a big soft blanket, and watched You've Got Mail. I was an absolute and total girl. It was great.
Now though, parts of my campus are very swamp-like...but it's ok! I just slip my rainboots on and deal with it. If it means I get a cozy Sunday afternoon, I'll gladly take the puddles the next day.
I've been having a difficult time opening up to people lately. It's not that I don't have things to say or don't want to say them. That's really not it. There are things pressing on my heart that are in desperate need of some deference. The problem...is that in the past few months, every time I've opened my mouth I've gotten shut down, rejected, insulted, judged, laughed at, ignored, or worse: I haven't gotten any response at all.
**disclaimer: I am in no way saying that I need every word out of my mouth to be recognized. I don't need someone to praise what I say or hang on every word. That's not it at all. Please don't misunderstand. This is not a pity party about how I feel alone in the world. I'm far from alone. I don't need someone to hold my hand every second. I don't need to always be right or get encouragement. However, I so long for my words to be valued. Even if my words are wrong, I'd just like someone to want to listen when I speak...even if they don't agree. Am I alone in that?...maybe so.
I think the bigger issue is this: I feel that if my words aren't valued, then I'm not valued; and since my words aren't being valued, then it's obvious that I'm not either.
Is that absolutely ridiculous....
Yes it is. I'm aware of that.
Does that knowledge make it feel any better...
No.
This is a puddle. I've had good rainy days, and they've been wonderful...
But this is definitely a puddle, and I have to be willing to take them both.
Today is my "big sister" Becky's birthday! And to celebrate her day here's 10 reasons why I love her!
1. You listened to everything I ever talked to you about when I sat on the comfy couch in your office.
2. You taught me how to flirt...I'll forever be indebted to you for that ;)
3. You say exactly what you need to say...in the nicest way possible
4. You shared your house, and more specifically, your bathroom with me
5. You helped me grow up...really. From day one when I was so nervous for my interview with you, to now...I'm not the same person and you had a big part in that
6. You taught me how to make sweet potato fries....and NOT cut off a finger :)
7. You love a good IHOP date!
8. You like Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus music ;)
9. You're a book/Bible study nerd...basically we're kindred spirits
10. You got me to start blogging! ;)
Happy Birthday Becky! I love you!...those are just 10 of the reasons :)
First of all, I would like to say "hello" and "welcome" to my lovely new followers...mmhmm...you. I'm so, so glad you're here!
Second, today marks the start of the second season of Glee! I'm beyond excited! Who doesn't want to watch the ins and outs of a high school glee club?...ok, maybe you don't want to....but...I do. And I'll enjoy every minute of it :)
And last, but certainly *I won a contest* not least, I won a contest ;) My university's English/Writing department holds an annual writing contest. Students can enter either a fiction piece or a collection of three poems. Poetry is....not my thing. Fiction, on the other hand, is what I love. I entered a story I've been working on for the past year. To say that I am in love with this story would be an understatement. I'm no where near finished and the finished product will hopefully one day be found on a shelf in my favorite Barnes & Noble (I hope you'll all be the first to buy one *wink*), but for now, what I have finished was enough to enter. Obviously, since I love this story so much, I was so nervous. But I found out today that I won! I got first place! And my prize gets me so much closer to my next month purchase of..... Yes, I will be one of those people...and I'm absolutely fine with that ;)
****Disclaimer: Yes, I am, in fact a creeper. I know far too many facts about Matt Damon...only ten of which will I actually list here. Oh and, Matt, if you read this, I really think I might actually be your biggest fan...minus the stalkers. Under all the stalkers, I'm your #1 fan.****
10. he somehow managed to maintain credibility after this cheesily posed movie cover.9. he is....well....Matt Damon. 'Nough said.
8. He dropped out of Harvard 12 credits short of graduating to pursue acting...risky move, but he knew his place. Some would call it foolish...but he stopped wasting time doing something that wasn't right for him, and I totally give him points for that!
7. In 2007, People magazine named him their Sexiest Man Alive.... ...for obvious reasons
6. He's a Sox fan. If I didn't live in Houston, I would be a Sox fan...and then Matt and I would cheer at games together....it couldhappen
5. He starred in the film version ofAll the Pretty Horses which was, without a doubt, one of the most influential books I read in high school...and probably ever. It's not the most moral piece of literature...but it's all about choices, consequences, and coming of age...
4. He and Ben Afleck have been best friends for.ev.er. Take a moment to shamelessly *giggle* and *aawwww* here. Really, it's ok. They're adorable.
3. He's married to a woman no one's ever heard of. She was a bartender in Miami and they got married in 2005 in New York City's City Hall. No scandal. No tabloid mess. Just married with three little girls (one from her previous relationship). Just Matt and all his girls :) I love it! In an ideal world, I would be their #1 babysitter....this too, could happen
2. "You've given an aging suburban dad the ego-boost of a lifetime."...his response to being named 2007 People's Sexiest Man Alive. And then I melted...and smiled for about a week. He has to be one of the most humble actors out there. Here's a few more things he's said... :)
"Ask anybody on the street which actors starred in the "Ocean's" movies, and they'll tell you it was George [Clooney] and Brad [Pitt]. I'm 'support' in "Ocean's." As I was in "Saving Private Ryan" - Tom [Hanks] carried that movie. You could accuse me of piggybacking on other people's brilliance more than anything."
"If anybody wanted to photograph my life, they'd get bored in a day. "Here's Matt at home learning his lines. Here's Matt researching in aisle six of his local library". A few hours of that and they'd go home."
"I'd love to be a dad. I hope I'd be great at it. That's every man's fear, yet his most important job."
Adorable.
1. Does it really need any explanation? So yes, I am pathetic, and do, indeed, love Matt Damon. And despite every negative thing I heard, really liked Green Zone andreally can't wait to watch him in the remake of True Grit!
I would love to have that talent. I think harmonies are beautiful...gorgeous...and I am ridiculously jealous of people that can pick out harmonies for any song. So jealous.
But I just can't do it.
Maybe it's because I was always a Soprano in choir and we basically always sang the melody.
Maybe it's because I've always been in Baptist churches where the melody's all you can hear.
Whatever the reason....I just can't harmonize.
I was reading the little info booklet in a cd today (I always read those...the whole thing), and this is what I found:
Kelsey Taylor laid her sacred harmonies down in every song.
Laid down her sacred harmonies.
Never. And I mean never. Have I wanted to be able to harmonize more than I did in that moment.
I just sat there thinking..."I wish someone could say that about me...that she laid down her sacred harmonies"...if only....
and then....
I got it :)
I cannot harmonize. I can't. It's never going to happen.
But I can be a harmony:
"the simultaneous combination of tones, especially when blended into chords pleasing to the ear"
My life can either be a beautiful harmony to the bigger, more beautiful thing God is doing...or I can be a mess of noise that totally throws it off.
I want to surrender my life in a way that complements who God is, what He's doing, the story of salvation, the testimony of His work in my life, the proof that He's real, the evidence of His hand, His power, His love, His truth.
I don't want people to look at my life and think "that's a pretty song" (metaphorically, of course)...I want people to see instead that I'm just a little, tiny part the much bigger, beautiful, exquisite symphony that is our Savior.
I so want to one day hear my Father say:
Hannah laid her sacred harmonies down in every song.
Laid down her sacred harmonies.
I really. truly. just can't harmonize....but maybe, just maybe :)
I can be a harmony
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that confess his name.Hebrews 13:15
Hello my name is Hannah and I'm one of the newest ambassadors of an amazing company called Sseko Designs! :)
Through Sseko, you can purchase a pair of pretty adorable sandals and help fund the education of a girl in Uganda. How cool is that? Fashion conscious. Social Justice. All in one.
These girls....(minus the white one...that's our fab leader, Liz) ;) make... these sandals... so people like you...(yes you)...can buy a pair....look fabulous like this... and help those girls go here...so they can be leaders in their community and part of the change in their country!
Girls are a part of the Sseko program for nine months before they go on to school and more girls take their place. These young women will not be making sandals forever. They will go on to be teachers, lawyers, social workers, doctors, writers, and more. They will help bring change and unification to a country wrecked by poverty and war.
Who doesn't want to be a part of that? You can be a part of these girls' stories! How?...
-by ordering your own pair of Ssekos! :) (with as many interchangeable straps as you want. It's like 5 pairs in one!) -by hosting a house party (like an Avon party...but with shoes!) -or by helping me pair up with local events or concerts to get more people informed/involved with Sseko!
If you have any questions/suggestions or if you'd like to host a house party, just let me know!
I want to learn how to ride a bicycle. (I also want to learn to crochet, but that's another post entirely)
I don't know how and I want to learn.
When I was younger I had balance issues, partly because of health issues and partly because well...I have balance issues.
Anyway...I have recently re-fallen in love with the song "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae.
See....now I want to learn how to ride a bicycle...so me and all my friends can ride around singing this song and looking absolutely adorable. ....it could happen...
Bike-riding or not though, this song just makes me happy. It puts me in a summer mood and gives me the urge to drive around with my windows down, big sunglasses on, with the song blaring and on repeat. I may or may not have done that today ;)
I love the ones I read now, I just need to expand my reading list :)
So if you're a blurker, I would like to blurk you back. I think it's only fair.
And if you are a fully identified, comment leaving, following friend, I want to hear about your favorite blogs too!
***
And here's a few updates.
-There are only 6....yes, SIX! sleeps until my bestie is here. I'm getting impatient.
-It's only Tuesday....is that possible?
-The air is so thick in Houston today....I seriously need gills.
-One of the older ladies in my office told me she can tell I'm losing weight. Um....PTL. I knew I felt better, but it is SO good to hear that it shows!
-Green Zone, with Matt Damon, comes out on Friday. I'm so excited. Basically it's going to be Bourne 4....and I'm totally ok with that.
-And I'm a fan of old friendships getting rekindled. Not the bad ones that really just need to stay in the past...but the good ones that just kinda fell off. That's happening a lot lately and I love it. LOVE it!
Have a happy, trust-filled Tuesday!
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, o LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:10
Does anyone else just wish they could freeze time and say what they need to say? I mean, really. How great would it be to just get it off your chest. Am I alone in this? Is it just me?
Maybe it is.
I just know that I have so many things I'd love to say to people. Not all bad things...just things that common sense and self-control won't let out. I know how to keep my mouth shut. I'm not actually going to say any of them....but I still wish I could.
"I can't figure out why we're not friends anymore."
"Remember when (insert situation)...that really hurt my feelings."
"Remember when (insert situation)...that meant more to me than you'll ever know."
"I don't even know who you are."
"I can't figure out where I stand with you. One day everything's fine....then the next I feel like I did something wrong."
"I'm pretty sure that we would be perfect together....too bad you don't see that."
"You changed my entire way of thinking....I've yet to decide how I feel about that."
See.
It would feel good to say those things. It would be great to get them off my chest, BUT only if the person didn't actually hear me. If they did, in fact, hear me...I would turn 48 shades of red from head to toe, run away, hide, and cry...and cry...and cry. Because some things aren't supposed to be said. Some things aren't meant to be put into words. They're just supposed to be felt. Felt and kept inside. Or scribbled passionately in a journal. Or violently screamed into a pillow. Or whispered in a prayer of surrender.
I'm so grateful that the God that controls the universe also controls my heart and my tongue. And even though I can't say all the things I want to...He hears them just the same.
I mean really....this girl is checked. out. Today during class, I sorted through 600 emails and labeled them all by category. I'm not motivated. I'm not focused. I'm out.
And impatient. :)
My best friend in the world will be here in 13 days!
Next Monday I will pick her up at the airport and Bestie Week will begin! To say I'm excited, would me an understatement of enormous proportions. We haven't had 5 straight days together....in a looooooooooong time. I absolutely cannot wait!
So far, these stops/plans are on our list:
1. Rodeo!!!! We're seeing Lady Antebellum on the 15th! 2. Photo session with Sarah! In almost 10 years of friendship, the only pictures we have, we've taken ourselves...it's time to change that! 3. The Book Stop! It's a Barnes and Nobles...nothing special....except for the fact that it's in an old movie theater...which makes it amazing! 4. Fioza's.....amazing coffee place :) 5. Taste of Texas :) 6. cupcakes 7. James Franco marathon! (we always do this...he's not really even our favorite persay, but the tradition has stuck) 8. homemade enchiladas...mmm :)
and I'm sure there's more I just can't remember.
Any suggestions you think I should add to our list?
I just thought I would inform all you blurkers* that after one week with my water water water mindset, healthier food choices, and Alli........
drum roll please
I lost four pounds!
It's a small amount in the scheme of things, but I'm pretty stinkin' excited!
*And yes, I called you blurkers. Blog. Lurkers. Because I'm well aware that you read my blog and just never say anything....but I know you're there. I have my ways ;)
I’m shocked right now. Not in a bad way, just in an “I really don’t have a clue how I feel about this!” kind of way.
Today I realized that three of my friends from high school are engaged. Three might not seem like a big number to you, but I graduated with a class of 85. Three’s a big deal. Oh and did I mention we graduated in 2007? That was two and a half years ago. We’re twenty/twenty-one years old!
***Disclaimer: I am in no way knocking any of these girls for being engaged, nor am I gawking at anyone who got married before they were thirty. I’m just realizing, rather shockingly, how I am so not ready to get married.
Upon realization of Person Getting Married #1, I immediately sent a text to my best friend telling her that it made me feel old. She responded by adding to the list Persons Getting Married #2 and #3. To that I said, and I quote: “Holy crap! How did I miss this? Can we PLEASE be the last ones to get married?...I NEED MORE TIME!” She quickly did some facebook stalking (She’s my best friend. That’s her job!) and assured me that we have several other friends in serious relationships so we have plenty of time. I feel slightly relieved but still, I can’t wrap my mind around this!
I’m only twenty years old. I’ll graduate in December, but that’s even a semester earlier than expected. I don’t have a clue what will come after that. Go to seminary? Find a job? I don’t know… I mean, seriously, I just figured out two days ago what I’m doing this summer!
The thought of being engaged and then married six months from now seriously makes my stomach turn. And we’re not talking butterflies. I’m not ready to be around one person that much. I like my alone time. I need my alone time. Basically, I'm selfish...and I still need to grow out of that - no, I just need to flat out change that. There is no way that I could handle making important, future-impacting decisions with someone. There’s still stuff I need to do. There’s still stuff I need to learn. I know I’ll never know everything I need to. I know I’ll never have enough money or enough patience or enough confidence or whatever, but surely I could have more than I have right now.
It’s not like I think I’ll never get married. In fact, if today I knew with 100% certainty that I loved someone completely and thought I was remotely ready, I would probably have a totally different outlook; but the fact of the matter is I don’t, nor do I even have a glimpse of what that would feel like, and I know I’m not ready, so the idea mortifies me.
I’m not even totally comfortable with the thought of getting married in five years! Five years ago I was fifteen years old. That doesn't feel like that long ago. Maybe by the time I’m thirty…yeah…maybe by then.
I've wanted to for a long time, but there were several reasons why I never really got around to it:
-I was busy. (lame excuse)
-My sweet friends always said things like, "You don't need to lose weight. You're fine just like you are. No one thinks you're overweight." (thanks for the encouragement...but you're lying!)
-My struggles with weight aren't all my fault. Growing up I had a lot of health issues and had to take a lot of Prednisone. What I had been told would make me "puffy" ended up being a much...well, bigger problem. I've justified my weight issues with the knowledge that I didn't start them. (But I can sure as heck finish them)
-I'm one of those people that, if I can't do it to perfection, I just don't do it all. I've been so scared that I would set a goal and never reach it that I just avoided it all together. (Again, lame excuse)
So now I'm going to do it. I am. It's happening, and there's several reasons for that too:
-I'm tired. ALL the time. I don't feel good. I don't have energy. I want to feel good.
-I would like to be able to buy jeans like a normal person. Cute ones. Gap ones. Express ones. Any ones really...just something other than what I've been stuck with.
-Did you know that for every 10 pounds you're overweight, your fertility percentage drops?....Yeah, I want babies. (someday.......faaaaaar from now)
-I don't want diabetes.
-I don't want heart problems.
-I don't want to die any sooner than necessary just because I didn't have the gumption to get up and change it.
-I want to look pretty...feel pretty...for my maybe/someday/one day husband. I know he'll love me so he'll think I'm beautiful. I know that no matter how I look, I'm still going to have insecurities about my body. I'm a girl...it's what we do. I can, at least, help the situation a little though.
So here's my steps.
1. water. water. water. and only water. (and sometimes coffee!)
2. eating healthier. (which will be difficult since my only chance of survival is in the form of nasty, disgusting dorm food...but I'm determined!) better food choices. smaller portions. healthier.
3. exercise. at least 4 times a week.
4. Alli. Ultimate accountability in a safe, effective supplement. (I promise...I've checked. And read....and read....and read.) Eat one thing you shouldn't....this little blue pill will make you pay; and I don't want that!
And I need your help!
Yes....you!
Every week, I'll post a blog about my progress and level of commitment for that week. If I'm not posting or if my posts reflect that I'm failing miserably, TELL ME!
And please pray for me! I've been told by a friend currently using Alli that the first three weeks can be summed up in three words:
Why in the world are there 68 different kinds of Band-Aids to choose from? I want one that sticks. Is it too much to ask for the Band-Aid fairies to narrow it down for me? I mean, come on, a girl's got enough decisions to make without wondering which brand has better adhesive. Plastic or fabric? Medicated or not medicated?
Just tell me which one works the best. That's the one I want.
Imagine you walk into (insert your store of choice here, personally I'm saying Target), and make your way down the aisle, channeling all of your will power to walk past the makeup and school supply sections without stopping. You turn down the First Aid aisle, prepared to spend the next 30 minutes picking the box of perfect Band-Aids, when to your delight and surprise, every box bears a label that tells you exactly how they, as a bandage, perform. "I fall off after ten minutes." "I can't handle getting wet." "I have attachment issues. I'm going to leave that nasty, gummy residue on you for weeks." "I'll give you an allergic reaction." And so on. You read all of the labels until you set your eyes on a single box on the top shelf. You catch your breath. Music plays. A follow-spot shines down out of nowhere. The label reads:
"I'm perfect. Pick me. I am the Band-Aid of your dreams. I'll stick on as long as you need me to, but I come off easily. I'll help heal you quickly. I am the perfect Band-Aid."
I....wish.
Too bad every single box of Band-Aids promises the same thing. Just pick a box. They'll all pretty much get the job done.
It's easy to make choices when one of the options is blatantly wrong, but when either one would work out fine...how do you decide? What are you supposed to do when both options are good?
Feel free to help a sister out. Really, please do.
So there's a great, inspiring, deep (maybe) post in the works, but until then....
A guy just asked me to be his wingman...er...woman.
Seriously?
Please tell me I'm not going to be that girl.
I think a movie night and ice cream with my best friend could remedy this.
Or a book and bubble bath in a non-dorm bathtub.
Neither of those are options, though, so instead I'm going to curl up in bed and pray that God helps me be the best darn wingwoman I can be. (In an edifying, uplifting, encouraging, prayerful kind of way)
Hope your Christmas has been lovely, friends. 
I love Scrabble :)
As my pastor said on Sunday, when has anything in Iceland ever affected the whole world?!
I'm smitten :)
Who doesn't want to watch the ins and outs of a high school glee club?...ok, maybe you don't want to....but...I do. And I'll enjoy every minute of it :)
Yes, I will be one of those people...and I'm absolutely fine with that ;)
9. he is....well....Matt Damon.
'Nough said.
...for obvious reasons
If I didn't live in Houston, I would be a Sox fan...and then Matt and I would cheer at games together....it could happen
Take a moment to shamelessly *giggle* and *aawwww* here. Really, it's ok. They're adorable.
In an ideal world, I would be their #1 babysitter....this too, could happen
So yes, I am pathetic, and do, indeed, love Matt Damon. And despite every negative thing I heard, really liked Green Zone and really can't wait to watch him in the remake of True Grit!
make...
these sandals...
so people like you...(yes you)...can buy a pair....
look fabulous like this...
and help those girls go here...
so they can be leaders in their community and part of the change in their country!