Tuesday, September 15, 2009

no call? no text?.....anything?

First of all........

Thank you so much for the outpouring of wonderful, love-filled comments! Absolutely made. my. life! I don't even think I need 50.....27 made me just as thrilled :)

Now on to my thought for the day....er.....days!

I may be totally in left field. I could be terribly wrong. I mean really, I could have been extremely misinformed, but I was under the impression that when a boy asked for your number--not because you had class together and he might need to borrow notes and not even in the "oh-we're-friends-and-we-hang-out-all-the-time-so-I-should-probably-get-your-number" kind of way, but in a very flirtatious, elevator conversation, out of the blue, "hey, let me get your number" (with the smile.....ugh...that smile. You know the one.) kind of way-- and remember, I could still be wrong, but I really kinda thought he actually had the intention of USING IT!!!

Really? No call? No text?......anything?

Apparently....I misunderstood.

I mean I must have just been completely and utterly wrong. In every form of the word.

Or maybe I just imagined the whole thing?......

No.....that's not it. It happened.

And now he's walking around with that smile on his face and my number in his phone and I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.

The five year old in me wants to walk up, ask to borrow his phone (with some endearing story about how a bunny ran off with mine and dropped it in Friendship Pond), in which case he will gladly lend me his and I will proceed to dramatically delete my number (after all, he's not planning on using it), slide his phone closed with unnecessary force, let out an exasperated "Hmph!", make an exaggerated turn, and walk away.

But I won't. Reeealllllly, I won't. I promise. I want to....but I won't.

And instead of making a total fool of myself, I've just been thinking instead, and what I've been thinking is this:

This thing. This boy. This failure to communicate and follow through....

I've done it.

Granted, I have not asked a guy for his number and then failed to call or text him....I haven't asked a guy for his number....at all, actually; but I have failed miserably at communicating with someone that waits for me to call.

I'm frustrated. I'm annoyed. I'm a little embarrassed and a little curious as to what I did to make that guy not use my number. So I'm wondering...if the fact that I so often neglect communicating with God causes Him to feel the same way.

I mean, God in His greatness knows He did nothing to push me away. He only draws me closer. He doesn't need fellowship with me, but He wants it.

I'm going to survive if this guy never texts me, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't mind if he did. I don't need it, but I want it.

But boy and texting and smiles aside, how many times do I look to God and promise to call on Him, and then I just.....


And I'm wondering if all the times I do that...if all the times I display good intentions and then fail to follow up, if He wonders what it's going to take to get and keep my attention. He knows what He did. He gave His Son. He gave up the One that meant most to Him, so that I could have the opportunity, the choice to call on Him....and so often I don't....and He's gotta wonder why.

There's really no conclusion. No end point. No pretty, wrap-up sentence. It's just what I've been thinking about.

And while I may not have an answer to all of this "wondering"....

I'm a lot less concerned with the inactivity of my cell phone.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

one million readers, a small group success, and a God that just won't leave me alone

On the epic best friend weekend (pictures soon to come!), I saw Julie & Julia. Let me just say, I have never been more inspired to be the author of the. best. blog. ever. Not even the best blog actually. Just a blog that a large number of people read. Imagine waking up to 50+ comments every morning. Um.......yes please!
But since we (and by we I mean myself and the five or so people that read this) know that that is simply not going to happen, I'm just going to pretend that I have one million readers that are dedicated enough to read my blog, but are just too busy to actually comment.

But hey, if you someday feel the urge to leave me fifty comments just to boost my self-confidence, I'm not going to stop you ;)

We had a small.GROUPS kick-off tonight for the three girls' small groups at HBU. I've been so scared that no one would want to come to my group, I was actually making myself sick. Seriously...I've been paranoid all week that I was going to be studying Crazy Love, by Francis Chan all alone for the semester. Not that that would be bad, I would still love to do it, but since I've already been feeling pretty lonely, I was really hoping for some sisters to grow with.

I had seven.....7.....SEVEN! sign up tonight! I'm so excited! Plus there are girls that weren't able to come tonight that are going to come once we get started going through the book next week! Praise the Lord. P...T...L.!

I can't wait to get the small group started and begin pouring over the Word and into these girls this semester!

I've been feeling miserable alone, out of place, and unwanted lately; and last Wednesday, this is what came in the mail:

Dear Hannah,
I am praying for you to have a great semester. Do not fret (Psalm 37) over the circumstances with your friends. They will come back around.
Keep your eyes open for someone who needs a friend. You probably are yet to meet your life's "best friend."
See you soon!
Love, Dad

I was desperate for a word. I needed a hug. I needed a friend. I needed to know that my Father hadn't left me all alone. And since my Heavenly Father knows my heart better than anyone, he sent me a message through my Daddy, the man that knows me better than anyone on earth. I sat there and cried. I'm sitting and crying now. My God knew what I needed. My God knows what I need.

and of course....since He is God, after all, He didnt' stop there....

I got another letter, on the same night. It was from me. During Daycation training at the beginning of the summer, all of the counselors had to write out a prayer, asking God to do His work in us and through us in the summer. Obviously, we all got our letter back in the mail at the end of the summer. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think mine just happened to get here last Wednesday. Near the end of the prayer, I read this:

Father, I pray that you would mesh Patcrick and I together as a team, Lord. Help us learn how to draw from each other and support each other. Help me respect and support him, encouraging and building him up as my brother-in-Christ and a warrior for You.

Funny, huh? how God chose that particular day to remind me that the guy that absolutely horrified me in May, is one of my good friends in September. My God knew what I needed. My God knows what I need.

and then.....there's more.....

I was sitting in my room, catching up on The Secret Life of the American Teenager :), when there was a knock on my door. It was one of the first year RAs and she said:

So......I have a question...It's an important question, but I don't know how to.....um.....well.....I don't know what to...nevermind. No, see.....I don't have a mentor, and I don't know if you would do that, but I wanted to ask if you would do that.....so.....would you do that?

um......YES? All of this on one of the worst days I've had. My God knew what I needed. My God knows what I need.

Man, He's good.

I sat there on my bed, with Amy and Ben fighting about something stupid on the tv in the background, and had Bible Study right there all by myself.

I guess I wasn't alone, huh, God?

It's like He smacked me (and not nicely, or gently....I mean He lovingly smacked me), and said, "Um.....you think?"


And while I knew I was being spiritually corrected for wallowing in my own self-pity for feeling so neglected, I was being deeply reminded that my God just doesn't quit. He doesn't back off when I feel like throwing a fit. He will not leave me alone. He's going to send me person after person, letter after letter until I flat out can't ignore Him anymore.

And with that....another note slid under my door.