Wednesday, October 27, 2010

dangit.

a few hours ago I was all ready for bed.

I'd brushed my teeth, picked out clothes for Wednesday, washed my face. **first hint** If I have energy to do all THAT...there's no way I'm going to sleep. I usually make it through brushing my tee--and I'm a goner. So I got in bed, closed me eyes....nothing. Squeezed them shut....nada. Tried putting myself to sleep by practicing my poem memorization (surely that'll work)....nope.

Dangit.

So I moved to the living room, pulled out my laptop and wonder upon wonders.....checked facebook. A sweet friend was on so we chatted for a few minutes and her heart is completely broken right now. She's hurt and hurting for other people. She knows God's near but can't feel Him right now....I so know how that feels and I'm too far away to lay on the floor with her and cry it all out.

Dangit.

There's a song that I have been loving lately. Well....honestly, I don't even know that I love it, it's just had my attention. Every time my iPod's on I play it at least 3 times. So yes. I love it like I loved those wax candy lips at Halloween when I was little. Trust me...that's sayin' somethin'. Here's the lyrics. If you haven't heard it, you should look it up. It's good people...in song form.

"You Can Have Me"
by Sidewalk Prophets

If I saw You on the street
And You said come and follow me
But I had to give up everything
All I once held dear and all of my dreams
Would I love You enough to let go?
Or would my love run dry
When You asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

If You’re all You claim to be
Then I’m not losing anything
So I will crawl upon my knees
Just to know the joy of suffering
I will love You enough to let go
Lord, I give you my life
I give you my life

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

I want to be where You are
I’m running into Your arms
And I will never look back
So Jesus, here is my heart

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
You can have me

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?
Forgetting what the world has told me
Father of love, You can have me
My Father, my love
You can have me
....
Dangit.

When did I get to be so unmoved by all of who I know God to be? When did I stop thinking He was worth everything I have? Everything I am?

I've been so convicted lately by the story of the rich young ruler in Matthew 19.

(ESV) And behold, a man came up to him, saying, "Teacher, what good deed must I do to have eternal life? And he said to him, "Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments." He said to him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself." The young man said to him, "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" Jesus said to him, "If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

(The Message) Another day, a man stopped Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"Jesus said, "Why do you question me about what's good? God is the One who is good. If you want to enter the life of God, just do what he tells you."The man asked, "What in particular?" Jesus said, "Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, honor your father and mother, and love your neighbor as you do yourself."The young man said, "I've done all that. What's left?""If you want to give it all you've got," Jesus replied, "go sell your possessions; give everything to the poor. All your wealth will then be in heaven. Then come follow me."That was the last thing the young man expected to hear. And so, crest-fallen, he walked away. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and he couldn't bear to let go.

I love that translation: "If you want to give it all you've got..."--But then the young man walked away, his actions screaming, "I don't want to give it all I've got...I'd rather keep my stuff. My position. My "supposed" security. I don't want to be like that young ruler. I don't want to come to Jesus, asking what He wants from me, then walk away because in my mind, my stuff's worth more than Him. I don't want to do that...but I do it. I do it all the time. I want to give this thing all I've got--but I just don't. I repeatedly walk away. My prayer that I say may be "you can have me"...but my heart is saying "Lord, you can have me as long as it fits into my plan and doesn't require me to be too uncomfortable or give up too much or really need to trust You at all."

Dangit.

I want that attitude of my heart to change. I want my prayer to change--the real prayer. I've written it down. Every day for the past few weeks. "Lord, you can have me. I want Your plan. I'm going with You. I want to trust You. I'll go where You go. You can have me."

You can have me.

It's a hard thing to pray...and some days I don't mean it. And He knows that. But He knows I want to...and I'm trusting He'll honor that. It's scary. I have a plan for myself all mapped out, and I'm handing that over.....opening myself up to whatever the heck He wants. I had the perfect idea for how to get a secure, financially stable, good job. I have stuff that I love and lots of stuff that I want. I know what I want my apartment to look like. I know what I want my kids names to be. I know what I want my husband to be like. I know where I want to be a year from now...ten years from now.

Thing is...if I say "You can have me," then He gets all of that, too.

But dangit, if anyone should get it, it's God.

So it's His.

All of it.

On the days I mean it and the days I don't.
When it makes sense to people and when they think I'm crazy.
When it makes sense to me and when I think I'm crazy.
Whether I love it or I hate it.
Both when I can see it's for my good and when I think He must be out to get me.

It's His.

God, You're good. You're You...and dangit, that's reason enough to say:

You can have me.


9 comments:

Erin said...

This is exactly what we talked about in small group last night. We are studying "forgotten God" by Francis Chan and he asks the question do you REALLY want to know the Holy Spirit no matter what it means.

We talked about how there is fear at both ends of the spectrum. On one hand there is the fear that i will ask for the Holy Spirit to show up and he won't, and on the other hand there is the fear that He will and He will ask me to do something I just don't want to.

Of even worse, He will show up, ask me to do something that looks foolish to other people and then not provide or show His power as we flounder in the foolishness of obedience.

For a couple of us, that fear of Him asking us to do something we didn't want to was, "What if He doesn't take away deisres for missions, ministry, and marriage...what if He stirs those desires even more, but then tells me to stay exactly where I am for 20 years. In the same circumstances. In the same job, with the same relationship status, seeing no changes at all?

In all honesty, I would be really angry. I'd like to say I'd be obedient, but from where I sit now, I'd just be mad. I'm gonna need the Holy Spirit to do some serious tranforming of my heart and mind before I'm truly ready to be obedient. Because having a ready "yes" for the send me is not obedience if there isn't the same ready "yes" for the stay here.

Love you girl. Love your wisdom and your kindness and your heart for God. Love your beautiful you!

Regan said...

I'm ever so sorry you weren't able to sleep but I sure am glad you decided to blog...I usually just read or watch TV. I struggle like crazy with giving stuff up to God because I'm, well to put it simply, a Control Freak. Yes, with capital letters. I think my problem isn't that I think my plans are better it's that I feel like I can do things to make my plans happen, where I have no control over God's plans and that's just plain scary! But as you pointed out, it shouldn't be scary because He's always faithful. Thanks for the reminder!

Sunny & Star said...

I love this post so so much. The words really have an amazing meaning and I can totally agree with what you have to say. It is definitely scary to think about all we are asked to do and actually do it for God.

I love the song you mentioned too. Another song that I really really love is Lose my Soul by Toby Mac.

Krystal said...

This is such a beautiful post, you have an amazing heart!

Joyeful said...

I love this post!!! LOVE it!! I just wrote a post tonight about wanting God's love to move through me and then I read the lyrics to that song you posted and was wowed by God once again :) I'm going to link this to my post, is that okay??

Hannah said...

So glad it spoke to you ladies!

Absolutely you can link to it!

Erin said...

a friend emailed me this post. I love this song, too, and wrote how it spoke to me here: http://tinklenwinkle.blogspot.com/2010/10/she-said-she-saiddinner-part-2.html
...only...you say it better :).

jenna said...

I stumbled upon your blog from The Joyeful Journey blog. It's funny, all the different ways God will point out certain things to us. This song... love in action.. the story of the rich young ruler... all of these things have been coming up a lot. I am thankful I stumbled upon your blog, because God spoke to me once more. :)

Kristina said...

This was such a moving and thoughprovoking post...I had to have a little conversation with God after I read it...Thanks so much for your words.
Kristina J.