Thursday, February 16, 2012

my bff Jillian

I have a feeling Jillian is going to be one of those friends.

The kind you love. And love to hate. And flat out hate on most days.

But I anticipate that in 30 days, and then 30 days after that, and 30 days after that, she'll be one of those friends that I can (after apologizing for muttering mean things about her under my breath) thank for being right. For being honest. For not giving up on me. For not letting me give up on myself.

I caved in and ordered this.

grab a copy here
It may be a total bust. Though the reviews make me seriously doubt that.
It may be hard. I'm certainly hoping so.
It may actually start to change things. I'm counting on that. 

I've been overweight since Prednisone entered the picture in first grade. Honestly, it's never bothered me or made me insecure. A curse or a blessing, I'm not really sure, but I've been very comfortable in my larger-than-average skin. 

But those days are gone. 

And I'm completely uncomfortable now. I'm insecure about why I'm not friends with certain people, why I'm not dating, why the only clothes I feel comfortable in are baggy tshirts and jeans. 

I hate that. 

The Lord's been convicting me lately that this is far more than an image issue. It's about stewardship. I'm asking God to direct my steps and give me a place to serve and people to live life with well while the thing that's most mine in the world is, honestly, a mess. How could I ask Him to trust me with anything more?

Faithful in little. Faithful in much.

With my body--His vessel. His tool to accomplish the work He's set out for me--I've been far from faithful.

That's humbling. Humiliating really. 
And on display for all to see. 

I'm trusting the Lord to heal the insecurity and banish the enemy from attacking that part of my heart. 
But the physical representation of the inward issue?...That's all mine. 

It's a problem I left untended.
It's a problem I, with the Lord's sustaining power, will kick in the rear. 

I've said things like this before. 
"I'm gonna lose 50 pounds. I'm really gonna do it." 
"I'm totally going to lose 20 pounds by summer."
"I really mean it. I'm going to lose 5 pounds." 

Dwindling, empty promises. 
Because they had everything to do with me. Nothing to do with the Lord.
Nothing to do with my Maker who meant more for me than this. 

I am never going to be sticks. And I don't want to be. It's not in my gene pool anyway. 
I want to be healthy. I want to be serving the Lord for a long time.
I want energy. I want to be equipped to do that serving.
I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to walk around without feeling guilty for not sucking in my gut.
I want to be able to wear boots without fear of someone thinking that it took a whole calf to cover my calves. 

You caught that, huh? Yes. There's a little lot of self-image in the mix. But it's backed by a desire to do better with what the Lord's given me than I've been doing. And that's never before been the case. 

Now it is required that those who have a given a trust must prove faithful.
1 Corinthians 4:2

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.
Luke 16:10

I'm telling you this because if I'm the only one who knows what I'm trying to do, I'll never do it. 
But if you know, if you ask about it, it may just really happen. 

Anyone up for the challenge of sticking this out with me? 
Anyone on the same road?
Any tips or encouragement that have worked for you?

4 comments:

Brittany Fletcher said...

Girl, I have been on the same train for a long time.
I joined weight watchers about 3 weeks ago, and havent lost what I thought I would, but am determined to stick it out.
The 30 day shred is awesome!
Its SO HARD though if your body hasnt worked out like that before.
Let me know how it is going, I will be praying for you. Good luck!

Jamie Mae =] said...

You really are going to hate/love Jillian. She's mean. Except on her yoga dvd, she's nice on that one(I highly recommend that dvd as well, by the way). But I really like the 30 day shred...it's my go-to dvd for short workouts when I'm busy. It packs a punch for a short workout!

You can do it! I'm so proud of you!

Ashley Bell said...

I'm so excited and proud of you! I look forward to making time for this starting on Sunday, as we plug in our mini fans to provide a little more air flow, laugh as our half price yoga mats slip out from our feet, and say "whew, she was mean" as we can barely sit down from soreness on the couch! You can do it, we can do it, and what a beautiful and wonderful perspective you have! Can't wait!

annie said...

So many of my friends have tried the 30-day shred, and I hear nothing but good things. I know it will be heart, but it will be worth it! I've been trying something similar (the 28-day challenge), and while it didn't quite go as planned, it did make me ENJOY exercise more... which for me is HUGE. I hope the 30-day shred will help you create the habit of exercising. That's my hope for myself too. :) And kudos to you for a) seeking accountability, and b) recognizing that God cares about this kind of thing. He loves us, loves our bodies, and wants us to treat them well. Can't wait to hear how it all goes for you!!