I’m shocked right now. Not in a bad way, just in an “I really don’t have a clue how I feel about this!” kind of way.
Today I realized that three of my friends from high school are engaged. Three might not seem like a big number to you, but I graduated with a class of 85. Three’s a big deal. Oh and did I mention we graduated in 2007? That was two and a half years ago. We’re twenty/twenty-one years old!
***Disclaimer: I am in no way knocking any of these girls for being engaged, nor am I gawking at anyone who got married before they were thirty. I’m just realizing, rather shockingly, how I am so not ready to get married.
Upon realization of Person Getting Married #1, I immediately sent a text to my best friend telling her that it made me feel old. She responded by adding to the list Persons Getting Married #2 and #3. To that I said, and I quote: “Holy crap! How did I miss this? Can we PLEASE be the last ones to get married?...I NEED MORE TIME!” She quickly did some facebook stalking (She’s my best friend. That’s her job!) and assured me that we have several other friends in serious relationships so we have plenty of time. I feel slightly relieved but still, I can’t wrap my mind around this!
I’m only twenty years old. I’ll graduate in December, but that’s even a semester earlier than expected. I don’t have a clue what will come after that. Go to seminary? Find a job? I don’t know… I mean, seriously, I just figured out two days ago what I’m doing this summer!
The thought of being engaged and then married six months from now seriously makes my stomach turn. And we’re not talking butterflies. I’m not ready to be around one person that much. I like my alone time. I need my alone time. Basically, I'm selfish...and I still need to grow out of that - no, I just need to flat out change that. There is no way that I could handle making important, future-impacting decisions with someone. There’s still stuff I need to do. There’s still stuff I need to learn. I know I’ll never know everything I need to. I know I’ll never have enough money or enough patience or enough confidence or whatever, but surely I could have more than I have right now.
It’s not like I think I’ll never get married. In fact, if today I knew with 100% certainty that I loved someone completely and thought I was remotely ready, I would probably have a totally different outlook; but the fact of the matter is I don’t, nor do I even have a glimpse of what that would feel like, and I know I’m not ready, so the idea mortifies me.
I’m not even totally comfortable with the thought of getting married in five years! Five years ago I was fifteen years old. That doesn't feel like that long ago. Maybe by the time I’m thirty…yeah…maybe by then.