Monday, April 19, 2010

Rainy days and puddles. Real and figurative.

It rained Sunday...and it was wonderful.
I sat in my room with all the lights off, blinds open, curled up with a big soft blanket, and watched You've Got Mail. I was an absolute and total girl. It was great.

Now though, parts of my campus are very swamp-like...but it's ok! I just slip my rainboots on and deal with it. If it means I get a cozy Sunday afternoon, I'll gladly take the puddles the next day.

I've been having a difficult time opening up to people lately. It's not that I don't have things to say or don't want to say them. That's really not it. There are things pressing on my heart that are in desperate need of some deference. The problem...is that in the past few months, every time I've opened my mouth I've gotten shut down, rejected, insulted, judged, laughed at, ignored, or worse: I haven't gotten any response at all.

**disclaimer: I am in no way saying that I need every word out of my mouth to be recognized. I don't need someone to praise what I say or hang on every word. That's not it at all. Please don't misunderstand. This is not a pity party about how I feel alone in the world. I'm far from alone. I don't need someone to hold my hand every second. I don't need to always be right or get encouragement. However, I so long for my words to be valued. Even if my words are wrong, I'd just like someone to want to listen when I speak...even if they don't agree. Am I alone in that?...maybe so.

I think the bigger issue is this: I feel that if my words aren't valued, then I'm not valued; and since my words aren't being valued, then it's obvious that I'm not either.

Is that absolutely ridiculous....

Yes it is. I'm aware of that.

Does that knowledge make it feel any better...

No.

This is a puddle. I've had good rainy days, and they've been wonderful...

But this is definitely a puddle, and I have to be willing to take them both.

If only a pair of rainboots could fix this too ;)

3 comments:

Cole said...

love that movie! sounds like a good day to me. :)

nicole visiting from
http://lettersfromcoco.blogspot.com/

Rachel Lillian said...

Sounds like a wonderful afternoon!

And I completely agree. You are definitely not alone! Everyone wants to be listened to and have their opinions valued. I've found, for me, that the more confident I am in my opinions and the more I speak with conviction, my desire to have my thoughts validated by others is not as strong. There certainly is a happy medium, though.

I certainly think you're fantastic, as you well know. :)

Becky Kiser said...

i value you so much hannah! can't wait to sit down and talk about a million different things on friday! i have a fun girl place we can go to that is no rush. :)