When God closes a door.....it's closed.

I was talking today with a friend of mine that's a freshman. She was telling me about how much she's grown and...well, grown up in the past year. She added that that was probably ridiculous and sounded stupid, but I assured her that it didn't. It was absolutely true. Granted she's going to do a lot more changing before she dons that cap and gown, but freshman year is probably where the biggest...or at least most shocking change happens.

My pastor's been preaching through Genesis since last fall, and one of the things that has stuck out the most to me in this series was something he said about the story of Noah. When Noah and his family boarded the ark, God shut the door behind them. One question we were urged to ask ourselves was this:

Do I trust God enough to be okay when He closes a door?

That question stuck with me...and stuck with me....and is sticking with me. It's been my prayer since then that God would make me okay with closed doors. It hasn't been easy, but He's done it.

I was certain I was going to seminary in January...He closed that door.

I was sure I was going to apply for and be a part of my school's REC team for the summer...but He closed that door.

I've been holding on for dear life to people and situations...and He's closed those doors.

And in every situation, it's been okay. I've been okay. Now, believe me, there are other doors He's closed in this process that I've not been so okay with; but 3 out of 5...or 7....or 10...isn't bad :) it's improvement!

So I was talking to this sweet girl today and explaining some of the changes I've experienced through my time in college, telling her how all of those changes, hard as they may have been were worth it. Sure, I had to let some things go. I had to say goodbye to some people, but at the end of it, I'm a better me...and I'd much rather accept the changes than be stuck with who I was...

Her poor face, she looked horrified. Her eyes got big and she shook her head and said "Oh Hannah, I can't do that!" I quickly assured her that my changes aren't going to be her changes...we're different people...but I also assured her that whatever changes she does experience, we serve a God that's gracious enough to prepare us for them...a God so great that, when we ask Him....

He'll even make us okay with closed doors.

I had a breakthrough.

Last night, I opened my mouth and said exactly what I needed to say.

And people actually listened.

I would have preferred for there to have been less chin-quivering on my part, but all in all, it was a good first attempt.

In other news, this is why my Daddy couldn't fly to Togo on Monday....and why his mission group of 25 people in Malawi can't come home. Please pray that these 25 people, along with the thousands of others stuck wherever they are, can get home to their jobs and families soon.
As my pastor said on Sunday, when has anything in Iceland ever affected the whole world?!

Rainy days and puddles. Real and figurative.

It rained Sunday...and it was wonderful.
I sat in my room with all the lights off, blinds open, curled up with a big soft blanket, and watched You've Got Mail. I was an absolute and total girl. It was great.

Now though, parts of my campus are very swamp-like...but it's ok! I just slip my rainboots on and deal with it. If it means I get a cozy Sunday afternoon, I'll gladly take the puddles the next day.

I've been having a difficult time opening up to people lately. It's not that I don't have things to say or don't want to say them. That's really not it. There are things pressing on my heart that are in desperate need of some deference. The problem...is that in the past few months, every time I've opened my mouth I've gotten shut down, rejected, insulted, judged, laughed at, ignored, or worse: I haven't gotten any response at all.

**disclaimer: I am in no way saying that I need every word out of my mouth to be recognized. I don't need someone to praise what I say or hang on every word. That's not it at all. Please don't misunderstand. This is not a pity party about how I feel alone in the world. I'm far from alone. I don't need someone to hold my hand every second. I don't need to always be right or get encouragement. However, I so long for my words to be valued. Even if my words are wrong, I'd just like someone to want to listen when I speak...even if they don't agree. Am I alone in that?...maybe so.

I think the bigger issue is this: I feel that if my words aren't valued, then I'm not valued; and since my words aren't being valued, then it's obvious that I'm not either.

Is that absolutely ridiculous....

Yes it is. I'm aware of that.

Does that knowledge make it feel any better...

No.

This is a puddle. I've had good rainy days, and they've been wonderful...

But this is definitely a puddle, and I have to be willing to take them both.

If only a pair of rainboots could fix this too ;)